tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38252547720134243142024-03-05T01:49:05.586-08:00Maite's Journey to LifeMaitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.comBlogger160125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-61834544447293525802019-10-06T19:21:00.000-07:002019-10-06T19:21:20.439-07:00Codependence as Fear of Self <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It’s come to my attention in the past few days that there’s something off about my definition and living of the word stability. It’s not actually a new point, I’ve been made aware of it before, it’s been pointed out and described, but it never really sank in, or shall I say I never allowed myself to directly experience it as it is and more so, its consequences. Recently, my daughter, my partner and myself together with others in my life went through quite the bout of flu, a dragged out one that kept jumping around to different parts of the body. At the same time many of us were going through an emotionally challenging time. Many new deep-seated parts of ourselves got unearthed and brought to the surface to be questioned, worked with, understood and changed. Together with this, my daughter started changing her sleeping pattern (as she tends to do during tough times), where she’d be awake all night and asleep during the day, to switch it back to normal for a day or so and then switch it around again. Needless to say... I was Exhausted.<br />
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But physical exhaustion is one thing, been there before. This time, there was something else, something more taking a toll. In one of the last days of my illness, I suddenly had these moments of just wanting to cry – out of the blue, for seemingly no apparent reason. My eyes just welled up and tears came, and for the life of me I couldn’t stop, nor did I want to – it needed to come out. My partner saw me and, having seen me just a moment before being ‘normal and fine’ he asked ‘what happened??’, assuming something must have just triggered this reaction, or something must have happened between then and now. But all I could say was ‘I have no idea’.<br />
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Rewinding a few weeks, one of the points that had come up for me was a wish for everything in my external reality to remain just as it is now – no sudden changes, no moving to a new place, no life changing decisions, just keep everything exactly the same. After having gone through an uprooting from South Africa to Panama and all the steps in between, the amount of time it took to finally settle in and get to a point of ‘flow’ or ‘routine’ - not even routine really, but a general ‘stability’ in being able to expect kind of what a day or week looks like – I didn’t want to give that up again. With most of my time and attention going to Syntia, I have only snippets here and there to move on other things, to write a blog, to move on projects, to study. Syntia’s day is a surprise every day, we can make plans, but we never really know what the day brings – and that is kind of enough unknowns for me (or so I tell myself). If everything else stays just the way it is, just the same, then at least all I have to do is consider Syntia, my responsibilities, my partner’s schedule and then carve out time here and there to do other things. It’s a careful balance, that JUST works. And I had JUST gotten to establish this again after such a long time of unknowns, changes and ‘make-do solutions’.<br />
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Going back to the moment where I tore up for ‘no apparent reason’ - in moving more into that hurt – because that is all I had to describe it – a hurting – moving into it to really experience it and understand it, something clicked. That wish for stability in wanting everything else to stay the same, stay ‘quiet’ essentially, so it doesn’t take my focus, so it doesn’t require my attention or direction – it’s just there, a supportive background that allows me to focus on the day-to-day unpredictability that needs my attention most and move with, within and through it most effectively – now that version of stability is what I would unconsciously start living whenever I would see someone else go through a rough time. I go quiet, I withdraw, I become part of the background, I try to be one less reason for someone to become upset, challenged, ticked off or unbalanced. I try to be blend with that part of their reality that is just the same, unchanging, steady – thinking it will give them a better chance to sort out what it is they need to understand and go through.<br />
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Now there’s nothing wrong with trying to support someone, but there definitely is a red flag when you change who you are in someone’s presence without awareness, where you not just try to put someone else before you, but actively push yourself back and become more of a presence instead of being fully present as yourself. It’s like trying to ‘ooze’ a sense of stability, but not really stability, more a sense of ‘shhhh, I am not here, shhhh, don’t worry about me, don’t look at me, shhhh, you didn’t see me, shhhh, I was never here shhh, shhh’, lol. I bet if I had the power to turn invisible, I would’ve, lol, but this is how I’ve tried to come as close to it as possible.<br />
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Writing about this, I’m remembering two specific instances where this design was explained to me.<br />
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The first time was Bernard pointing out to me that when there is conflict in my environment, I hold myself stiff and will tend to do something with my hands, hold something or play with something, focus on this one thing and try to blend with the background. He mentioned I’d developed this growing up with my father who had quite a temper, in order to not be noticed in case he would then direct his anger towards me. Essentially, that I had developed this as a coping mechanism in an attempt to stay out of trouble.<br />
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The second time was during a resonance discussion with the portal, which was recorded and transcribed and which you can read over <a href="https://desteni.org/desteni-material/blog/resonant-sibling-play-outs-maite-leila" target="_blank">here</a>. Here it was in relation to my older brother who was going through a difficult time and how I’d done the same thing of withdrawing in the background to try to be this stability from a distance, yet again with a fear driving it, to stay out of trouble.<br />
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When I cried, and moved into this hurt more, I could feel how old it was, it wasn’t just about the recent events and how I’d lived it out this time and the toll it had taken on me now, but a hurting over all the times I’ve done it, over how it’s become such a part of me, how I so automatically go into it and don’t even see what it is I’m doing to myself until afterwards, if even then. And it is a doing unto myself, it’s like a shutting down, a self-denial and self-suppression, a wishing myself away, a putting myself on hold, all under the guise of support and stability. But underneath it all is that fear.. not only that I’ll be on the receiving end of someone’s emotional outburst, that I’ll become the receptacle in which another decides to deposit their emotional poop, but even more, fearing that I am the cause of it in the first place. I don’t want to be noticed, I don’t want to be seen, because maybe if they do they will put two and two together, that their experience is all my fault. And when they do realize I am the cause, I don’t want to be around to bear the consequence of it.<br />
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Great, so now what? Lol, I had an idea of where this writing would go and how it was all going to be about stability and redefining and specifying it, which I suppose in part it still is. But here now a deeper dimension of fear and self-interest opened up. It was never just about wanting to be stable and supportive for others and compromising myself as a result. It wasn’t all good intentions, it was plain old fear. But where this fear specifically comes from, this assumption that it’s my fault when someone else is dealing with emotional upheaval, I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t see what to write from here, so self-forgiveness it is.<br />
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<i>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to every time I see another go into intense emotional conflict or upheaval, particularly if I sense a tinge of anger, go stiff within myself and think ‘oh no, what did I do this time? what did I miss?’.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that when another, but in particular someone close to me, goes into emotional conflict or upheaval, it is my fault and I am the cause of it.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I’ve made the decision to be responsible for other people’s internal stability or instability.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in wanting to live a peaceful life, one without conflict and emotional baggage and damage, I’ve taken it upon myself as a child to be and do whatever I considered necessary to prevent anyone from going into emotional conflict, trying to do everything ‘right’, trying to make it so that no one would ever have a reason to become upset, and become upset with me in particular.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that if someone does get upset, that it means I somehow didn’t try hard enough, that I missed something or that I did something that allowed that conflict to still build.</i><br />
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Hu, it’s interesting because the way I had been looking at this point was that I was just trying to be a stable point for others, but in reality, I was trying to be what I thought was necessary in order for others to be stable for me.<br />
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<i>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into/give into shame, judgment, disappointment, anger and feeling disheartened at the realization of the role of self-interest in my attempts to be a stable point for other people.<br /><br />I forgive myself that I’ve never accepted and allowed myself to face this point head-on and see it for what it is, experiencing it directly as well as its consequences, but have continued to live out the same old pattern with yes chipping away at it and investigating parts of it, but never with the actual brutal self-honesty needed to change it.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build an experience of loneliness, aloneness, not being seen and understood in what I go through when I shut down ‘for’ other people, as well as building resentment and blame towards those I ‘support’ this way because of what I apparently ‘give up for them’.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my experience of feeling distraught at my ‘sacrifices’ not being seen or acknowledged is really stemming from me not seeing what I am actually doing to myself and for what reasons, which I’ve then projected on others as being the apparent cause/origin of disregard, when it is and has always been me disregarding me.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in the way I have approached and lived the word stability, I’ve never lived it for myself – and have always played a game of trying to be stable for others while simultaneously wanting others to be stable for me, and making everything and everyone else in my life responsible for the extent to which I move, direct and support myself – because ‘if there is no stability, I am but at the mercy of the ebs and flows of reactions and happenings and have no real power to direct anything’.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have made my ability to support, direct and take responsibility for myself entirely contingent on the level of ‘stability’ that I experienced in and from my external reality.</i><br />
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During a discussion on redefining words on the farm, we looked at the word ‘stable’ - one of those in the moment discussions of bringing a point here, walking it, clarifying it and there it is, done. In the case of the word stability the sounds that opened up were ‘stay’ and ‘able’ and the redefinition that flowed from here was: ‘to STAY here so that I am ABLE to direct myself and my reality effectively.’ The simplicity of this redefinition was so elegant and on-point, it always stuck with me. Looking at it now it’s interesting that it holds two dimensions – on the one hand there is the grounding of yourself in the here moment, but it goes hand in hand with moving and directing yourself. In my living of the word stability, I’ve split these two parts of the word – I’ve made one party responsible for the grounding and staying – and made another party responsible for the moving and directing. Here is how I have lived it:<br />
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“Stability is for others and my external reality to remain grounded/here, so that I can move and direct myself effectively”.<br />
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Or, the other way around:<br />
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“Stability is for me to stay the same/stay put, so that others can move and direct themselves effectively.”… and in fine print: “...so that they can be grounded again and allow me to move and direct myself again”<br />
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But when it comes to living the words stability, both dimensions are about self – for me to ground myself in the here moment, so that I am able to direct and move myself. Yes, I can use my external reality as a support to help ground me if need be, but the movement, the action still occurs within me. And it’s within me that the grounded here presence needs to be created and from which the movement and direction needs to spring.<br />
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This point has been a part of me for such a long time I can see how it would extend further than just in tough emotional/turbulent times. Let’s say if someone close to me in my life decides to take on a new endeavor and shares it with me, it’s like I immediately internally sigh and become heavy. Because with new endeavors come new challenges, and many opportunities for turmoil and ‘instability’ - so from the get-go, I’ll try to take responsibility for their endeavor within me. I anticipate being a sounding board for them, I carve out a ‘space’ for this new endeavor within myself and make it a point to start considering different dimensions of it. I look at what parts of it I am not familiar with and already make a list of things I will need to educate myself on. And it’s not necessarily like I am ‘doing anything’ - it’s more an internal ‘taking on’ where I try to ‘help carry’ a point of responsibility of another, in me. And no, that was never asked of me, and no it’s not necessary – but I’ve come to do it automatically, and then inevitably come to a point of feeling like it’s ‘too crowded’ within me in carrying/looking at too many points and not having the internal space to consider myself, my own projects and responsibilities effectively.<br />
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When I close my eyes and just hold myself and my life, my responsibilities, projects and let go of everyone else and their points, I suddenly have so much space inside, it’s like I can BREATHE. But at the same time, there’s a fear in this aloneness, because who’s going to be my backup now? Am I actually capable of taking full responsibility for myself, do I have that in me? This again showing the hidden ‘quid pro quo’ terms and conditions in my way of ‘supporting’ others – I do it for them in the assumption that they’d do it for me. And all the ideas and beliefs that ‘I have to do this for them’, that ‘they need me to do it’, is only a reflection of my own beliefs that I can’t take full responsibility for myself and my life.<br />
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Understand, I’m not talking about living in absolute separation of other people and that each one should be able to handle everything on their own with no support from others whatsoever. Asking others for help in a project that you’re taking responsibility for, is something you do on a practical level. In that case the other takes responsibility for the help they offer, but it does not mean they take on responsibility for the entirety of the project. And that’s the distinction, whether or not I end up offering support on a practical level or not, on an internal level I try to take responsibility for the whole thing within me, without them asking to, without them necessarily knowing that I’m in some way investing a part of myself in it. And this is what I want from other people – I want others to take responsibility for me, my life and my projects – so that I don’t have to be the ultimate point of responsibility. So that if I fall in any way, there will automatically be someone to step in for me, to catch me and the pieces of my life that are in disarray until I can pick them up again.<br />
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The words that come up are: not trusting myself to be able to stand on my own two feet in life. And ‘life’ here really referring to ‘the world out there’. I imagine myself standing alone in the world and just choking at the fear of all that might go wrong, all I might have to face, come to terms with and all that I might not know how to direct or take responsibility for. And what is the world but a reflection of myself? So here the inevitable realization that yes, all fear in the end is fear of self – a realization that’s part of a quote Bernard once shared and to which I’d often stare with a blank face – understanding it on an intellectual level, but not really seeing how that practically works. And here it is, clear as day.<br />
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Since having opened up this writing, I’ve felt quite unstable, lol. With putting into question such a foundational word as stability and how I have lived it, it feels like I have no anchor or can’t trust any way I am attempting to anchor and stabilize myself – I keep asking myself, ‘if not how I have been doing it, then how???’. Here I also have to be careful to not chuck out the baby with the bathwater, because it’s not like I’ve never effectively lived the word stability, it’s not that I must scratch all stability from me and completely start over. But there are scenarios, especially when it comes to emotional turbulence and life changing decisions, that I slip into this co-dependent version of stability. So, here it’s for me to expand my level of responsibility within the word stability to extend also to those more challenging scenarios, as well as to take on those fears of standing on my own two feet, of independence in terms of taking full responsibility for myself and my life. This fear being really the driving/origin point and the co-dependent stability as the outflow consequence. Both have been ingrained and a part of ‘who I am’ over the years and so it is not sufficient to only tackle the fear, both have to be addressed in my application of forgiveness and real-time change.<br />
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<i>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone in the world.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking full responsibility for myself, my experiences, my challenges, my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities and accept that the task of understanding and changing the parts of me that are as yet underdeveloped, mismanaged and misaligned, into effective expressions in alignment with what is best for me as what’s best for all is mine and for me to walk.<br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and live the belief that there are just some parts of myself that I am incapable of changing or taking responsibility for, where I feel completely out of my depth, where I feel completely powerless and where I feel like there’s no point in even trying to understand and let alone change them.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be patient with myself and realize that it’s not about changing everything NOW – but to continue looking, investigating, understanding and changing as I go.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I cannot make other people responsible for my stability in relation to points that I consider weaknesses and vulnerabilities in which I don’t have the capacity to stand yet, that I’ll completely collapse and fear not being able to get up again.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I’ve many times collapsed, many times faced points and parts of myself that I thought unchangeable, out of my reach to understand and grasp, and yes, have collapsed, but each time, have also stood up again – and this of me I can trust, that I will get up again, no matter how ingrained the point, no matter how ‘big’ it seems, the heart of the matter is that I will find myself within it and move myself forward to the best of my ability – even if at first it goes bumpy, even if I make many more mistakes, I continue to learn, grow and change.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear of the big wide world is really a fear of the parts of myself I have yet to take responsibility for or get to know, explore and understand.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my co-dependent version of stability, where I try to be stable for others but more importantly want others to be stable for me, has been a way for me to hide from myself, a way I’ve used to hold myself back, to not have to see the fullness of me and the extent of my responsibility within it.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot trust myself to stand on my own two feet.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I should only stand on my own two feet when I am fully ‘developed’, fully ‘matured’, where all of me is trustworthy and I can trust myself to no longer make mistakes – when in fact, taking this approach prevents me from creating myself as that in fact – where I first require to take full responsibility for myself, accept that yes, I have much support in this life from others, but who I am and my life is 100% my responsibility and no one else’s and accept that in this sense I am alone – in order to reveal the parts of myself that need work, that need changing, that need developing and maturing, and so actually do it.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a child wanting to hold on to my mom’s hand just a while longer, feeling not ready to let go of support that I have defined in others, assuming that if I do, nothing but trouble will come my way, and forgetting that every time I as a child or young girl was faced with this fear, and wanted to back down the last moment when it came to doing something on my own, outside the ‘comfort’ and ‘secuirty’ of my family, yet when I did, I ended up learning and discovering so much of myself that I hadn’t previously seen or allowed myself to live.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in trying to hold back ‘the worst’ of me, I am holding myself back fully, including undiscovered, forgotten and suppressed expressions that are waiting for me to be lived.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in trying to protect me from myself, I am also preventing me from getting to know me and preventing me from receiving the gift that is me.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have stubbornly held on to the perception and belief that I am inadequate, incapable, immature, and most of all ‘not ready’ - which is not even clearly defined in terms of what I am not ready for or in what ways I am not ready, but has been this blanket experience that has come up and that I’ve always simply accepted as valid and real and have used as a reason to hold back and back down.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a first reaction to seeing or hearing another’s emotional state of mind, take it personally and go into a defensive mode of shutting myself down and/or starting to race in my mind to build up all the arguments/reasons why I am not to blame or what I could say in defense of myself if someone points to me as the reason for their state of mind.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in constant anxiety and guilt whenever another in my life is going through inner conflict or instability, due to the assumption that I am at fault and will be found out.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘support’ someone in my reality that is going through emotional upheaval/internal instability by trying to be stable for them, to try to make up for my guilt in the belief that I am responsible for their instability, experiencing that if I go ‘all the way’ now in trying to keep everything as stable as possible for them, maybe it will stave off some kind of emotional explosion or disaster that I perceive would equally wreak havoc on me.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for my inner reality every time I have any sort of emotional reaction or movement within me, and so equally have accepted and allowed the belief that others are not fully responsible for their own state of mind and state of being.<br /><br />I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to, in seeing or hearing another’s emotional state of mind and reacting to it, live the word stability for me, in assessing what within me is being triggered by another’s presence/state of mind/state of being that I need to work with, look at or sort out, to then do so right away, or make a note of it, for a moment let it go and then assess the here moment in seeing if there is anything for me to do or say in relation to the other, or not, within the realization and understanding that I am fully responsible for my reactions/state of being/state of mind and they are for their own and that yes, I can be a support for another in moments, but this does not entail taking responsibility for who they are, nor to make them responsible for who I am.<br /><br />I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a first reaction to someone sharing about a new point or venture or idea that they would like to start, panic inside myself and feel overwhelmed and forced to now take responsibility for this idea/point/venture with them and start looking at all the ways I need to be a part of or support somehow with making sure this idea/point/venture works out, under the guise of wanting to maintain stability for myself and others, instead of living stability in first slowing myself down and asking myself what was triggered within me about me, my life, my projects, my responsibilities by another sharing about their idea, to make a note of what I need to look at for me, let it go for a moment, and then simply hear another in this here moment and reply as here, without attempting to or feeling the need to take on or invest myself in their point/venture/idea from start to finish.</i>Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-22365378412453639022015-06-02T13:52:00.000-07:002015-06-02T13:52:17.567-07:00Day 158: All Emotions and Feelings are Manipulation<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/NgBeD9GEEDY" width="420"></iframe>Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-8804738069444418852015-05-29T00:15:00.000-07:002015-06-02T13:49:30.764-07:00Day 157: A Child in a Grown-Ups World - Part 2<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/KzZEEV1SMe4" width="420"></iframe>Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-1091429633894010292015-05-23T08:10:00.000-07:002015-06-02T13:49:15.915-07:00Day 156: A Child in a Grown-Ups World<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/tiBDAXGP26Q" width="420"></iframe>Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-18901055316881714842015-01-10T01:55:00.001-08:002015-01-10T01:55:37.430-08:00Day 155: Snowy – My Mountain of Support – Pt3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp4wtyXzEJ7gE_v1r-wecS0JDgyM1rxCPVuHgbzHz0eLqjUBEWDClh6yU6aXR15yEZYGHjkWPWumWGyO5gavynYdGu400_aPcgC85vv8R2u58Mrnd5XZw-9dSaKxuErfdjl7lwlcExBXE/s1600/IMG_4325.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp4wtyXzEJ7gE_v1r-wecS0JDgyM1rxCPVuHgbzHz0eLqjUBEWDClh6yU6aXR15yEZYGHjkWPWumWGyO5gavynYdGu400_aPcgC85vv8R2u58Mrnd5XZw-9dSaKxuErfdjl7lwlcExBXE/s1600/IMG_4325.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
This blog post is a continuation to the following posts – please read them first for context:<br /><br /><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/12/day-153-snowy-my-mountain-of-support.html" target="_blank">Day 153: Snowy – My Mountain of Support</a><br />
<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/12/day-154-snowy-my-mountain-of-support-pt2.html" target="_blank">Day 154: Snowy – My Mountain of Support – Pt2</a><br /><br />I explained in my previous post how I saw the particular construct I required to work with that Snowy had been showing me by living it out. I saw how the energy I was working with was ‘protectiveness’ and how the word in relation to which I would activate the word ‘protectiveness’ was the word ‘life’. I saw how there was both a positive polarity of desiring to protect life as well as a negative polarity as trying to protect myself from life.<br /><br />As a child and growing up, I have always been reserved when interacting with others. Not that I would always stay in the background or be a loner or be the shy one in a group – I would make friends and have fun – but I would always be ready to ‘pull out’ in case I felt I had to. I had noticed that no matter how ‘nice’ a friend or a family member may seem in one moment, in another they can suddenly change and ‘turn against me’ – often unexpectedly, where I ‘wasn’t prepared for it’. The same with animals – in one moment a dog could be gentle and in another they could suddenly snap their teeth. The same with nature – the one moment I am playing in the garden on the grass, the next I get stung by a bee. In all these instances I felt that my sense of security was false, that I wasn’t really safe from ‘life’ as how I experienced it. <br /><br />What I saw within using the tools of SRA3, is that I had defined the words ‘safe/protected’ within a mother-child relationship. You know – when you’re a child and you’re just sitting next to your mom on the couch and you rest your head on her chest, she wraps your arm around you and you can hear her breathing and her heartbeat – that experience of ‘I am protected, I am safe, nothing can happen to me’. That experience is what I desired. <br /><br />So – within deciding who I would be within my life, I wanted that point of safety/protectedness to be a part of it. Of course, I couldn’t stay a child forever living with my mother – but I could become a mother myself. Because, a mother and child, I presumed, both take part in the same experience of safetyness/protectedness. Herein – my perception of mothers was also relevant. Of all the adults and their extent of participation and interaction with ‘life’ as that which I saw as unpredictable and dangerous – I thought mothers were the least exposed, because they are at home taking care of the children. Perhaps that is why I would say I wanted to become a mother of 5 kids – to make sure I’d never have the time to do anything else but be a mother, lol – but remain secluded, protected in the safety of my own home.<br /><br />That was how the negative polarity to the word ‘life’ influenced ‘who I wanted to be in life’. <br /><br />The positive polarity of the word ‘life’ refers to seeing life as something pure and innocent – and yet so fragile – something that can be easily corrupted, hurt and abused. From within my own fear of the ‘outside world’ – ‘life as we know it’ – I created a desire to protect this ‘pure, innocent’ life – and where I had defined this ‘pure/innocent life’ to exist was in babies and young children – the ones not yet influenced too much by ‘the world’ – who were still blissfully ignorant and under the impression that ‘life’ is welcome here. So – from the positive polarity of my definition of the word ‘life’ I wanted to be someone who protects ‘life’ in this world and of all the social roles in society – I saw that mothers taking care of babies/children were the ones to fit this bill. <br /><br />So – through accepting both the fear and desire that sprung up within me from both the negative and positive polarities of my definition of the word ‘life’, I created a behavioral design of ‘protectiveness’ within me – both in relation to protecting myself as well as protecting others. That was the same behavior I saw in Snowy – where on the one hand she wanted to protect herself against Cesar, seeing him as a ‘threat’ while at the same time ‘protecting him’ through playing a nurturing role towards him. <br /><br />I then went and wrote about all these points, applied my Self-Forgiveness and wrote my Self-Corrective Statements to remove the separation I had created towards the word ‘life’, to redefine the word as myself and diffuse this construct as a whole. I had shared with LJ and Leila what I’d seen in terms of how Snowy’s behavior mirroring mine. After I had done all my writing, SF and SCS – Snowy’s behavior immediately changed, lol. She was back to her ‘old self’. Leila noticed the drastic change in Snowy and asked me if I’d worked on my points – to which I said ‘yes’ with a big smile, lol. So – this was a very cool feedback point again –where Snowy showed me: you got it, girl – my work here is done. Lol. I gave her a big hug, amazed and grateful for the unconditional support that she is. <br />Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-23647886700331461182014-12-25T03:04:00.000-08:002014-12-25T03:04:09.799-08:00Day 154: Snowy - My Mountain of Support - Pt2I left off in <a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/12/day-153-snowy-my-mountain-of-support.html" target="_blank">my previous post </a>saying:<br />
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“So, one night I realized this was carrying on for too long (Snowy’s odd <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-behavior-alcohol-death-research-part-1">behavior</a> in relation to Cesar and her toys) and that something else must be going on. I placed my hand on her chest, breathed and then checked which person was a match for the point she was working with – which of course, was me – lol.<br />
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The next point was to see: what point is she showing me about myself??<br />
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What opened up for me was quite fascinating – I don’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-be-still-and-know-i-am-god-part-22">know</a> if I would have seen/realized this point if it weren’t for my Snowy-bear assisting me with such specificity – I’ll <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sharing-and-reactions-the-soul-of-money">share</a> in my next post!”</blockquote>
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To see what point Snowy and I were working with, I kept one hand on her chest and placed the other on her side. The first thing I looked at was identifying the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/from-energy-to-sound-atlanteans-support-part-63">energy</a> that was running – because that was the most noticeable about her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-behavior-alcohol-life-review">behavior</a> – as soon as she would <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/touch-taste-smell-hearing-in-the-mind-reptilians-part-213">hear</a> or see Cesar, or as soon as she picked up a toy – a particular <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/energy-trumps-physical-reptilians-part-238">energy</a> started <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/directing-your-process-reptilians-part-315">directing</a> her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-of-behaviour-modification">behavior</a> – where no matter what we said or did – the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-when-energy-has-more-value-than-life-part-40">energy</a> was not moving out or diminishing and she continued to follow the energy – we couldn’t ‘snap her out of it’ or even ‘get through to her’. When identifying the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/energy-energy-energy-life-review">energy</a>, the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-words-aren-t-free-reptilians-part-219">word</a> ‘protectiveness’ came up. Snowy takes her ‘protective role’ always quite seriously, but now every <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-and-money-life-review">time</a> she’d hear/see Cesar, that protectiveness went into over-drive. <br />
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As soon as I placed <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/which-came-first-the-word-or-the-world-reptilians-part-185">the word</a> ‘protectiveness’ within me to check if that was the word – I could feel/became <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/awareness-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-32">aware</a> of ‘lines’ that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/together-we-are-strong-life-review-part-1">together</a> formed a particular geometric shape and that shape covered my abdominal area. <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/secret-history-of-the-universe-is-life-here-part-7">Here</a> – I remembered the article from Jack where he explained how weight in the abdomen is due to protecting <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/journeys-into-the-afterlife-the-being-that-died-as-fear-part-17">fears</a>. <br />
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So – this was getting more and more interesting – because the word ‘protectiveness’ was showing to contain more than one <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">dimension</a> – it was not just about protecting others, but also about protecting myself and protecting <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-we-create-fear-instead-of-solutions-life-review">fears</a>. So I focused in on that geometrical shape that I felt over my abdomen and saw two sides to it. On the one side I saw it relating to the symbology of pregnancy – where a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/crying-babies-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-35">baby</a> is in the belly, protected by the uterus and abdomen – so an <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experience</a> of safety/security. On the other hand I saw how the geometric shape was somewhat like the door of a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/imprisoned-in-an-alternate-reality-kryon-my-existential-history">prison</a> cell – so, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anna-viktor-discovers-the-physical-we-are-here">here</a> I was looking at self-limitation – <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-my-fear-companion">fear</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/insecurity-introduction-atlanteans-part-148">insecurity</a>.<br />
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I could see how that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-polarity">polarity</a> had played out in Snowy’s <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-and-behavior-seeds-life-review">behavior</a> – where on the one hand she was ‘excessively nurturing’ – with her toys as well as licking Cesar all over when he would get close to her – yet on the other hand, she was seeing Cesar as a threat and tried to protect herself from him.<br />
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(If my story is sounding a bit jumbled, it’s because I’m trying to tell it the way it opened up for me – so bear with me if it’s not sounding very coherent, lol – it did kind of open up as ‘pop, pop, pop’ – I started seeing the factors at play, the ingredients if you will – but did not yet see how I had ‘cooked it up’ for myself or how it all strings <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spending-time-together-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-44">together</a> – that I looked at afterwards.)<br />
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At that point I was satisfied that I had identified the energy as <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> ‘protectiveness’ and that it was related to motherhood and that there was a polarity construct involved. But keeping a discussion I’d recently had with Esteni in mind, as well as the tools introduced in the SRA3 course of <a href="http://desteni.org/">Desteni</a> I Process – I could see I hadn’t ‘gotten to the bottom of it yet’ – I so far had only opened up a particular behavior and how that behavior was driven by an <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-systemization-ugly-effects-of-beautiful-energy-part-22">energy</a> – but I had not yet identified the source point. I knew I had to identify <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-power-of-one-word-part-58">one word</a> – one word that contains a polarity in its definition – where ‘protectiveness’ is how I ‘live out’ the polarity of that word in my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-obvious-secret-reality-or-illusion-part-18">reality</a>. <br />
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Now that word – interestingly enough, is: ‘Life’.<br />
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It was easier to see the word by looking at the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-problem-with-positivity-reptilians-part-251">positive</a> polarity – the positive polarity being: what is it I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/controlled-by-desire-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-36">desire</a> to protect? So – looking at motherhood – protecting a baby – protecting innocence – I could see that it boils down to: protecting ‘pure’ <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-game-of-life-part-96">life</a>. Then I looked at <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-it-is-important-to-investigate-the-negative-part-135">the negative</a> polarity to see if the word ‘life’ is accurate – so I checked: Is <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-prioritizing-life">life</a> something I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fearing-your-own-fears-reptilians-part-128">fear</a>/something I feel I have to protect myself from? And the answer was ‘yes’ – <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/man-made-meaning-reptilians-part-256">meaning</a>: <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-either-life-or-death-part-27">life</a> as <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-life-is-supposed-to-be-reptilians-part-309">life</a> on Earth as it exists today. Growing up, the world seems like a scary place – people are so <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/2013-the-future-of-consciousness-unpredictability-of-consciousness-part-1-part-11">unpredictable</a> and I definitely felt <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/insecurity-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-149">insecure</a>. So – my definition of the word ‘life’ existed within a polarity – <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/give-and-receive-the-soul-of-money">giving</a> rise to both a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/choices-and-desire-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-35">desire</a> and a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-relationship-between-fear-guilt-and-shame">fear</a> – and the energy and behavior of ‘protectiveness’ was driven by that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/driven-by-desire-life-review">desire</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-fear-itself-fears-and-phobias">fear</a>.<br />
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<span id="goog_1998372848"></span><span id="goog_1998372849"></span>So now I had the rough outline of the construct. Then I looked at how I had <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/creator-created-dimension-1-process-reptilians-part-307">created</a> and lived this construct as myself – what <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">decisions</a> I made from within this construct and how I shaped ‘me’ and ‘my life’ from within and as this construct – I will share that process in my next post.Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-42404011750997595842014-12-21T03:05:00.000-08:002014-12-21T03:05:05.649-08:00Day 153: Snowy – My Mountain of Support<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg93T1jx3fZ0wD7GrfzakJJpiDSxlBX7HB9i5XMj3ptb3-AM_t7GYVBe_YrUyd7u90fwbE3hOpiNfQADUgTS3uG630GnhrZnfvIrH71igQGo5MZlwvRNqYegmCGNmkmS-sRFwG3zG8dAXM/s1600/IMG_4536.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg93T1jx3fZ0wD7GrfzakJJpiDSxlBX7HB9i5XMj3ptb3-AM_t7GYVBe_YrUyd7u90fwbE3hOpiNfQADUgTS3uG630GnhrZnfvIrH71igQGo5MZlwvRNqYegmCGNmkmS-sRFwG3zG8dAXM/s1600/IMG_4536.JPG" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
Snowy is one of the two Pyrenean Mountain dogs that live with me. Those who have met her know her to be a big, fluffy, goofy dog that likes to barks at anything that moves, is very lazy on walks, and has the sweetest eyes – that is, of course, when she’s not barking at something. That would be her ‘usual self’. About a month ago she started acting – hmm, what is the word – well, ‘odd’, to say the least. <br />
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One significant change was her behavior towards Cesar. She would usually be gentle with him and allow him to come close and lick him once in a while, but otherwise not be too ‘phased’ about his presence. He was able to come up to her and lean against her while she remained calm and patient. Now, about a month ago, what started happening every time Cesar came into the room, or if she could hear him in the other room, she would immediately go into ‘high alert mode’ and start following him around as though to ‘keep an eye on him’ that he doesn’t do anything that ‘he’s not supposed to’ – yet at the same time, try to back off when he would come close. So – she was literally pacing around him while trying to keep a certain distance at the same time. If she would sit, it would be for a second, and then she was up pacing again. And when he did manage to come close, she would seem to be fighting within herself where on the one side she’d want to scare him away/off of her and on the other hand, obsessively lick him all over. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCPI_DaVx0OJCWFwYWCekbl_nhNt0IPK0Z6kn_b1wk7gMB438J708eW9KuLf1I91oi6jCOdLLP-xtPaHBK97FV3DZMBEVErrNwxcYv5YjnaNnzhCmRWKYBb6-YitgG2qTDtosoJQXcAxc/s1600/DSC_0071.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCPI_DaVx0OJCWFwYWCekbl_nhNt0IPK0Z6kn_b1wk7gMB438J708eW9KuLf1I91oi6jCOdLLP-xtPaHBK97FV3DZMBEVErrNwxcYv5YjnaNnzhCmRWKYBb6-YitgG2qTDtosoJQXcAxc/s1600/DSC_0071.JPG" height="179" width="320" /></a>The other significant change was that she started adopting a toy as though it was her baby. Where, she would pick one toy and keep it with her at all times. When she was walking around, it would be in her mouth and when she was laying down, she would put it in front or next to her and lick it. And when she’d lose her toy, she would go around to everyone making a whining/crying sound. One night, she was standing besides me whining/crying, but she had her toy (at that moment her ‘baby’ was a monkey-teddy) in her mouth. So, I wasn’t sure what she wanted. Eventually, I figured out she was trying to find a ‘safe space’ for her and her ‘baby’. She only stopped crying/whining once I made a little ‘cave’ for her with pillows under LJ’s desk. <br />
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The behavior of her taking a toy as a baby, we had seen before and so we thought it was part of a hormonal cycle – where this motherly behavior gets triggered by hormones – and that somehow she had translated that behavior to Cesar as well. Of course, with Cesar, she started to become a ‘danger-point’ as she was unpredictable while within that ‘high alert’ energy – and with her being a large dog, we kept her away from Cesar as much as possible, waiting for this ‘hormonal phase’ to pass. But it didn’t… <br />
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So, one night I realized this was carrying on for too long and that something else must be going on. I placed my hand on her chest, breathed and then checked which person was a match for the point she was working with – which of course, was me – lol.<br />
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The next point was to see: what point is she showing me about myself??<br />
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What opened up for me was quite fascinating – I don’t know if I would have seen/realized this point if it weren’t for my Snowy-bear assisting me with such specificity – I’ll share in my next post!Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-86026408118708935782014-12-13T11:51:00.001-08:002014-12-13T11:51:58.606-08:00Day 152: When Cesar gets it ‘wrong’ – Pt 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGzI4XUMFF8bgx2nkoQjtruCsUQ_9ry1mLiS4Rk8XoRCnoeB5zuvQQXLVpfdck_1JvC9bbsIapeNmeufXJ4H8iUEuHtopvTb8OKObTy_uEGdbCUf3VI0CKNLns5UMyXzD9Jpzb0a97LWI/s1600/milogo.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGzI4XUMFF8bgx2nkoQjtruCsUQ_9ry1mLiS4Rk8XoRCnoeB5zuvQQXLVpfdck_1JvC9bbsIapeNmeufXJ4H8iUEuHtopvTb8OKObTy_uEGdbCUf3VI0CKNLns5UMyXzD9Jpzb0a97LWI/s1600/milogo.gif" height="189" width="320" /></a></div>
<i>This post is a continuation to the post<br /><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/12/day-151-when-cesar-gets-it-wrong.html" target="_blank">Day 151: When Cesar gets it ‘wrong’ </a></i><br /><br />In my last post I explained the scenario where Cesar is using the blocks of a ‘game’ in a way that doesn’t fall into the parameters for which the game was designed and how I would react ever so slightly and yet very distinctly when seeing Cesar play with the blocks in a way that I see is ‘moving him further away’ from ‘getting the answer’ of ‘what the purpose is of the game’ – as describing one scenario where I would react in perceiving ‘Cesar getting it wrong’.<br /><br />Another scenario where I would react within myself is when Cesar is playing with the same blocks – the ones with the holes of a particular shape and the towers of the matching shapes, where the purpose of the game is to place the blocks over the tower with the matching shape – and where Cesar would take a block with for instance a triangle whole and try to place it over the rectangular tower. Lol, I’m laughing as I write it as it now seems so silly to react to it – but in the moment of observing Cesar do this, I would become uncomfortable and would ‘fight’ the urge to tell him ‘no, that one goes over the triangular tower’ to then show him how it fits. <br /><br />So – in this scenario, the reaction was again stemming from trying to ‘protect’ Cesar from experiencing what I believe he would experience in realizing the block doesn’t match the tower. So, here again I was projecting my own experience onto Cesar, where I believe he would experience frustration, anger and self-judgment in not matching up the shapes. Cesar, however, didn’t seem to ‘care’ if the shapes matched up or not, he would try to get it on, and if it didn’t work, then he would just do something else with it. He didn’t have the concept of ‘right or wrong’ – he would just observe that sometimes the shape matches and he can get it over a tower and sometimes not. I could tell him that the shape with the triangular whole will only fit over the triangular tower, but even when I did, he would try to place it over the rectangular tower – lol. So – I realized that he’s going to test it out for himself over and over until he is satisfied that it is indeed physically impossible to match a triangle and a rectangle – and there’s really nothing wrong with that. For him to ‘accept’ the fact just because someone told him will create a point of belief. And even more, if he keeps doing it because afterwards we say ‘well done!’ with a smile on our face, then we’re interfering with his learning process.<br /><br />Herein I saw how easy it is to condition someone to act in a way to obtain praise – where you’ll end up only doing those things and pursuing those things of which you expect to receive positive feedback, instead of really finding out what is possible, exploring everything for yourself and see what works, what is effective and what is not. We believe we are ‘teaching’ a child something when we tell them ‘no, not that way – do it this way – look!’ – and that in congratulating them when they copy us, we feel we’re rightfully praising them for apparently having ‘figured out the right answer’ – when actually, we’re depriving them of the figuring out part – all they have learned is to copy us. The actual figuring out is a long process of testing over and over what works and what doesn’t - that is how a child will naturally learn and they won’t feel frustrated when something doesn’t work – they will only feel frustrated if we tell them they should feel frustrated, by reacting within ourselves with an experience of ‘no! not that way!’ – where every time they do something, they pick up on our reaction, and so start believing there must be something wrong with what they’re doing. <br /><br />Without an outside person guiding the activity, a child will just over and over again try to fit a shape over every tower - regardless of whether it didn’t work once – he’ll try again later – so that he comes to the understanding that – no matter when I try to place a triangular shape over a rectangular one, no matter from which angle, no matter how much pressure I exert, no matter whether the sun is shining or if it’s raining – it doesn’t work – now the child has actually learned something. <br />Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-87625955481862068972014-12-04T08:46:00.001-08:002014-12-04T08:46:42.341-08:00Day 151: When Cesar gets it ‘wrong’<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfeRKuES5VphnMowXeaZTEvJsnXt9-dx36mr2IZBMalPFof8lrxZHpEytBnSo2pxIW7x6sAkzxXSa2oP3-vVfzw_mKAhEnPBvWGmmabkdvjaIS2v9pQQuzWrkB6LbrGTvdp2tbAnkRxPU/s1600/blocks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfeRKuES5VphnMowXeaZTEvJsnXt9-dx36mr2IZBMalPFof8lrxZHpEytBnSo2pxIW7x6sAkzxXSa2oP3-vVfzw_mKAhEnPBvWGmmabkdvjaIS2v9pQQuzWrkB6LbrGTvdp2tbAnkRxPU/s1600/blocks.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></div>
I often babysit Cesar in the afternoons while Leila is exercising and taking care of Charlie, her other baby (her horse :) ). Cesar likes being outside and amongst the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-life-of-a-dog-lover">dogs</a> the most, but when it is cold or rainy, we’ll look for things to do in his room. One of the activities he’s been more interested in recently is playing with blocs, like duplo blocks or blocks that have a hole of a particular shape in them that he ‘has to’ then hang around a little tower of a particular shape. One thing here is that it is fascinating how we take our motoric skills for granted. It seems so easy to just put two duplo blocks <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/together-we-are-strong-life-review-part-1">together</a> and make them stick and then start building a house or a plane or a tower or just some random figure. We don’t remember that at some point in our lives, we didn’t have the skills to do that and that we walked a process of continuous trial and error that demanded a lot of concentration on our part to slowly start developing the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-evolution-of-muscle-tissue-quantum-systemization-part-25">muscles</a> and flexibility to put two duplo blocks <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spending-time-together-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-44">together</a> and make them stick the way you want them to. <br />
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So, Cesar is now walking that process of developing these motoric skills with lots of trial and error. Now, I started noticing an interesting <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experience</a> within myself when I would see Cesar <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sunette-spies-absorbing-my-troubles-doubles-my-struggles">struggle</a> or ‘get it wrong’. I noticed it first on a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-from-energy-experience-to-energy-to-substance-physicality-part-61">physical</a> level, like a contraction in my solar plexus area and I would ‘hold my breath’ ever so slightly. In <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">looking</a> at it more closely, I could see that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-we-create-fear-instead-of-solutions-life-review">fear</a> of ‘getting it wrong’ and wanting to prevent Cesar from ‘getting it wrong’. <br />
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So – what does ‘getting it wrong’ even mean – there’s several scenarios I’m referring to with that, from where I will see his actions/attempts as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. <br />
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One is when he is for instance playing with the blocs that have holes of a particular shape in them, that he has to pull/drop over a tower of the matching shape. So, the block with the circular hole goes over the circular tower, the block with the rectangular hole goes over the rectangular tower etc. For me as an adult, I can see at first glance which shape he will be able to pull/drop over which tower and I also <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/i-finally-understand">understand</a> that this is the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlantis-purpose-and-creation-part-2">purpose</a> of the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-game-of-life-part-96">game</a>, that this is what it is designed for. As Cesar is picking up the shapes and turning them around, banging them together, tossing them across the room, he is just exploring these objects and what he can do with it. But with me understanding the ‘purpose’ of the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/gaming-death-death-research-part-1">game</a>, I see it as the ‘wrong thing to do’ and I kind of become <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-a-life-of-impatience">impatient</a>, because I just really want him to ‘get’ that he can put these shapes over the towers! Because from my perspective, he hasn’t really ‘gotten the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-the-wrongs-before-the-right-relationship-success-support">right</a> answer’ until he realizes that the shapes are ‘supposed to’ go over the tower, lol. <br />
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So, here – I was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/projection-quantum-mind-self-awareness">projecting</a> the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-life-and-death-of-an-idea-death-research-part-1">idea</a> that Cesar would feel proud of himself after having figured out that he could make the pieces fit over the towers. Here, actually, projecting my own <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a> when ‘getting something right’ and the belief that something is not worth <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/you-do-it-to-yourself-life-review">doing</a> and a waste of my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">time</a>. I would have to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-resistance-self-belief-reptilians-part-236">resist</a> the urge to show Cesar how to place the blocks over the tower, lol. But those ideas, beliefs and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/when-desires-becomes-overwhelming-atlanteans-support-part-66">desires</a> didn’t exist in Cesar – he was just exploring and here I was wanting to steer and limit his activity towards only one possible option of how to play with blocks.<br />
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<i><span lang="EN-US">I’ll continue in my next post.</span></i>
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Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-30820115297637036722014-11-25T05:45:00.001-08:002014-11-25T06:18:01.104-08:00Day 150: Ownership, Investment, Expected Returns – the Capitalist in Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh62sZLvarrU7IeYayuoAv5k8n5rIeyHQOQ8PvnqWqS5lmUrIjRyRXnGG4w5hO-IEHQpsdQwZIxGyavXciPF5Ej1aeV0Y3eb3C-UktagIJtbO0Ib5BQFrYDs4LWH_7C33NVIajtfxRcsPw/s1600/monopolyman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh62sZLvarrU7IeYayuoAv5k8n5rIeyHQOQ8PvnqWqS5lmUrIjRyRXnGG4w5hO-IEHQpsdQwZIxGyavXciPF5Ej1aeV0Y3eb3C-UktagIJtbO0Ib5BQFrYDs4LWH_7C33NVIajtfxRcsPw/s1600/monopolyman.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
In re-reading the blogs I wrote on the Prideful Character, there is one aspect that has surfaced several times that I haven’t explicitly opened up – and that is the point of ownership. It came up in the blog <a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-credit-is-mine.html" target="_blank">‘Day 146: The Credit is Mine!</a>’ as well as in my last blog ‘<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/11/day-149-i-dont-need-no-ones-help.html" target="_blank">Day149: I don’t need no-one’s help</a>’ where I mentioned <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-do-i-keep-feeling-this-way-reptilians-part-188">feeling</a> that I did not ‘own’ the correction to a point if someone assisted me to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">see</a> it.<br />
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An example of the role of ownership within the Prideful Character would be where I was ‘in charge’ of a certain project for a while, and then at some point needed to hand it over to someone else. I would <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a> major <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-resistance-self-belief-reptilians-part-236">resistance</a>, because I would feel like it was ‘my point’ that I didn’t want to give up. So – where is the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-interest-in-self-honesty-how-does-that-work-reptilians-support-part-169">self-interest</a> within such scenarios? Because, obviously, in those moments it was necessary to re-arrange responsibilities for the effective running of the larger group – so if I within myself fight such a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/change-as-a-process-reptilians-part-210">change</a>, then it is due to points of self-interest.<br />
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The Prideful Character, as has become clear, runs on the need for praise and validation – so that self may ‘feel’ valuable/worthy/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/nothing-is-good-enough-life-review">good enough</a>. So, what I would do in relation to the Prideful Character when I was assigned a task – I would define myself according to that task – feeling that ‘I am now responsible’ or if I would do the task well, I would give myself ‘positive scoring points’ based on that task/project. So, the projects would become a source of praise and validation that I would give myself – <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-thinking-as-mind-vs-direct-seeing-with-the-physical-part-106">thinking</a> that – others must see me that way as well. So – when asked to hand over the project, I would <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experience</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/physical-resistance-relationship-success-support">resistance</a> in that I felt I would be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-fear-of-loss">losing</a> this source of ‘value’ – but what’s more – I would feel annoyed thinking that, ‘now I will have to spend my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-consciousness-s-worst-enemy-part-67">time</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/creator-created-dimension-1-process-reptilians-part-307">creating</a> a different project that will give me a sense of value’ lol. <br />
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And that’s an interesting point – where I felt I had invested my time/effort into a project and so didn’t want to give it up – because, hey, I finally feel satisfied about my ‘performance’ in how I am handling this project, I am finally feeling good about myself in terms of this project and so I feel I am deriving ‘value’ from it – lol, in other words – my investment is finally starting to pay off and now you want me to hand it over?!? <br />
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All of the above runs in the background of course, on a conscious level I would just experience that sense of ‘ownership’ towards the project – where I would feel it’s ‘my project’ and then the resistance in not wanting to hand it over. <br />
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The reason I find this point to be so interesting is that during my economy studies there was one point that I just didn’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/i-finally-understand">understand</a> or couldn’t grasp in ‘how it would make sense to base an economic system on that principle’ - and that was the point of ‘the capitalist’ and the principle that those who own something get to earn profits from it – because, well, to own it they invested a lot of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/money-made-me-who-i-was-life-review">money</a> in it, so now they should earn returns on it in the form of profits. Somehow this point evaded me – who came up with this logic?? Because once you own something, you’re not doing anything per se, you’re just ‘busy owning something’ – yet that would give you the right to an income through profits. <br />
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And here I am, lol, throughout my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-life-is-supposed-to-be-reptilians-part-309">life</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/you-never-actually-lived-life-review">living</a> out this exact same logic without even realizing it – where it would only become apparent when I was asked to hand over my project to someone else, as I’d then throw a hissy fit inside myself – and even then it was not always clear ‘why’ exactly this was bothering me. Yet <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/secret-history-of-the-universe-is-life-here-part-7">here</a> it is, the capitalist in me, clinging to that which I have invested my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/never-enough-time-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-41">time</a>, my effort, myself in – because I was deriving a continuous flow of ‘earnings’ from it as a sense of value. It wasn’t even the project in itself that I didn’t want to ‘lose’ – it was the ‘returns’ that I expected to receive if I continued to ‘own’ that project. <br />
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It’s fascinating that in anything we do – we’re not working with the inherent value of that which we’re busy with, acknowledging and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/respect-integrity-trust-and-honour-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-19">honoring</a> the inherent value of contributing <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">time</a> and effort towards a particular project because we see how it assists others, how it makes a difference – no, we’ll only acknowledge the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/living-an-imaginary-life-life-review">imaginary</a> value we assign to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-missing-the-point-of-ourselves-part-41">ourselves</a> for participating in that project – making it about ‘how <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-little-bit-of-good-frees-me-from-all-the-bad-life-review">good</a> a person I am’, ‘how <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-the-good-when-only-the-bad-prevails">good</a> I feel about myself’. And in the same way – we won’t recognize our own inherent value – we feel the need to ‘derive’ it from something or someone else – the need to ‘own’ something so that IT may GIVE me value. <br />
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It is quite saddening to realize that we had to create such <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/facing-consequences-process-of-change-reptilians-part-161">consequence</a> on a global level for the outer <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-obvious-secret-reality-or-illusion-part-18">reality</a> to reflect and show us just one point: that we never accepted <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/we-do-not-even-see-ourselves-life-review">ourselves</a>, that we never <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/expecting-appreciation-from-others">appreciated</a> ourselves and that we never honored ourselves as <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-prioritizing-life">life</a>, as the only real value. Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-68420947678923730622014-11-10T12:28:00.003-08:002014-11-25T06:16:53.371-08:00Day 149: I Don't Need No-One's Help<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZP3JtcdUj06_J5K59gudJLajZbZzjjrNdjoYyzSxukc4mOLSuKsFJaiUbP3kRaJjrYkLnD6OZHrA9W3x_HPxGIVbSYZYPJsZK6E_qF3xXDhpVyT7apPlU2Dey7bv7FW56CSJb-USCgpI/s1600/ask-for-help-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZP3JtcdUj06_J5K59gudJLajZbZzjjrNdjoYyzSxukc4mOLSuKsFJaiUbP3kRaJjrYkLnD6OZHrA9W3x_HPxGIVbSYZYPJsZK6E_qF3xXDhpVyT7apPlU2Dey7bv7FW56CSJb-USCgpI/s1600/ask-for-help-2.jpg" height="226" width="320" /></a></div>
Intertwined within <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/walking-your-process-quantum-systemization-part-50">the</a> whole Prideful Character exists the refusal <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/talking-to-yourself-demons-in-the-afterlife-part-40">to</a> ask for <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/responsibility-learning-to-help-reptilians-part-250">help</a>. <br />
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In previous blogs I discussed how the prideful character within me originated <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/hiding-from-responsibility-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-45">from</a> a self-definition as ‘someone who <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-life-is-supposed-to-be-reptilians-part-309">is</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-force-of-good-part-1-part-94">good</a>/successful at anything’ – <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/align-yourself-with-oneness-and-equality-reptilians-part-308">and</a> how this gave rise <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/from-created-to-creator-reptilians-part-306">to</a> a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/introduction-fears-phobias">fear</a> or making mistakes or not <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-the-good-when-only-the-bad-prevails">good</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/never-enough-time-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-41">enough</a>. So, asking for help has been a tough point for me to learn – because I perceived asking for help as admitting <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-i-am-not-a-failure-part-51">failure</a>, believing that: if I can’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/when-you-do-not-know-yourself-life-review">do</a> the task on <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-do-i-feel-like-i-can-t-connect-with-my-partner">my</a> own, then I am in some way <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-i-m-not-good-enough"></a><a href="https://eqafe.com/p/nothing-is-good-enough-life-review">not </a><a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-little-bit-of-good-frees-me-from-all-the-bad-life-review">good</a> enough, ‘not up to the task’ –and now I have to ‘degrade’ myself to asking another for help. <br />
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This <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/personalized-global-perceptions-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-32">perception</a> started in the class room. The <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-as-a-teacher">teacher</a> would explain something , we would do some <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/master-of-war-life-review">of</a> the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-as-an-exercise-addict">exercises</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/together-we-are-strong-life-review-part-1">together</a>, and then we’d <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/resisting-sex-relationship-success-support">have</a> to do it on our own. I believed that – after the teacher had explained everything and after we had done exercises on our own – I ‘should’ be able to get it. And I mostly did. Those that asked for help, I saw as the ‘dumb kids’ – and I always pitied them and felt sorry for them that they NEEDED to ask for help – that they were so incapable or inadequate within understanding and processing the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-information-processing-disempowers-reptilians-part-221">information</a> that they couldn’t apply it for themselves in exercises and had to put up their hand in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/embarrassment-sounding-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-108">embarrassment</a> and ask the teacher for help once more. I always felt lucky that I was spared from that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a>.<br />
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Of course, outside <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-change-fears-phobias">of</a> the classroom – when it’s <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/this-is-not-me-journeys-into-the-afterlife-part-50">not me</a>rely about learning information, someone showing <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/can-you-ever-lose-yourself-life-review">you</a> exactly what the rules are that need to be applied and then applying it – I ran into many moments that I actually ‘didn’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-be-still-and-know-i-am-god-part-22">know</a> what to do’ or where I had an <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-life-and-death-of-an-idea-death-research-part-1">idea</a> of what I was supposed to do but I had no rulebook to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/falling-part-1-death-research">fall</a> back on or a script to follow. I didn’t realize that – yes, when you’re working with information that strictly follows certain rules and you’re actually working with ‘copy/pasting’ a certain format of resolution unto certain information – then sure, if you understand the rules and the conditions under which to apply them – then you simply do it for yourself. But most problem-solving in ‘real life’, outside of the class room, outside of maths, outside of grammar, outside of physics or chemistry – doesn’t follow such strict rules and doesn’t first hand me a formula to apply. I didn’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">see</a> the difference between the two – all I saw was: I have to get a project done or I have to master something or I have to direct a certain situation: and I find I am unable to do it!!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!! What’s <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-the-wrongs-before-the-right-relationship-success-support">wrong</a> with me!!!! I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-relationships-should-be-life-review">SHOULD</a> BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!! Lolol. <br />
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Fascinatingly, instead of simply admitting that: well, I don’t know what to do – let me ask someone else who might be able to assist me – I would just muddle on in all <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/stubbornness-independence-dependence-interdependence-atlanteans-part-161">stubbornness</a> – regardless of how ineffective I was and regardless of how long it was taking me to make any progress at all. I felt that – at least if I don’t ask for help, then I’m not officially stupid or inadequate – then I might ‘suddenly’ understand it, then I might find in my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-multi-dimensions-of-memories-reptilians-part-232">memory</a> some piece of information that will be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-key-to-life-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-24">the key</a> and all will be well in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-beginning-of-the-end-part-5">the end</a> and I’ll see that I could do it on my own all along, it just took me a little longer.<br />
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I made many things unnecessarily hard for me this way. Also within my process for instance, if I didn’t see how I had <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/creator-created-dimension-1-process-reptilians-part-307">created</a> a certain <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experience</a> for myself or if I was unable to make a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-facing-choice-part-1-part-107">decision</a> – rather than <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/speaking-as-awareness-reptilians-part-239">speaking</a> to someone about it and asking for their perspective, I would just try to ‘find the point on my own’, while in the mean<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-consciousness-s-worst-enemy-part-67">time</a> still sitting with the same experience or accumulating anxieties and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-doubt-and-change-part-1-reptilians-part-211">doubts</a> for not being able to make a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/living-the-word-decision-reptilians-part-311">decision</a> – <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-thinking-as-mind-vs-direct-seeing-with-the-physical-part-106">thinking</a> that, if I ask for someone’s assistance, then I’m not the one walking my process, then even if I’m the one opening up the point further in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29">writing</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/physically-sounding-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-115">self-forgiveness</a> and self-correction – I would <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-thoughts-bombard-the-physical-and-destroy-self">think</a> I didn’t ‘own’ that point of correction – because I wasn’t the one to see the point for myself.<br />
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Lol – it would feel like <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-a-cheater-in-my-mind">cheating</a> and looking in the back of the book for the answer to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-question-part-7">the question</a> I wasn’t able to resolve on my own. Again – a point I created in school where I made it quite a point not to go and look for the answers in the back of the book until I had an answer of my own – then it was okay to go and check if I had the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/right-and-wrong-relationship-success-support">right</a> answer. But to go to the back of the book to see the answer while I didn’t have an inkling of how to solve the problem, no, that to me was totally unacceptable – that was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-of-cheating">cheating</a> and dishonest. Lol – quite a morality point I created around ‘honesty’ <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/secret-history-of-the-universe-is-life-here-part-7">here</a>. But that’s in essence how I perceived asking for assistance – that I was cheating and that I was taking a short-cut. Those answers that I would go look up at the back of the book – because, yes, sometimes I was so <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/stuck-the-soul-of-money">stuck</a> and desperate that I would go peak – after reading the answer I could suddenly see how they got to the answer and I would be able to work it out for myself in how to get to that answer – but those exercises didn’t ‘count’ then – because I had ‘cheated’.<br />
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So, a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-nature-of-words-reptilians-part-183">word</a> of advice would be to look at your perceptions around ‘asking for assistance’ – specifically look at your childhood/schooling years – and to remove these associations, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-comparison-judgement-and-competition">judgments</a> and beliefs. If you have a look: it simply <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-self-awareness-life-review">is</a> a matter of fact that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/looking-through-the-eyes-of-your-childhood-life-review">through</a> defining <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-missing-the-point-of-ourselves-part-41">ourselves</a> through certain ideas, views, beliefs, opinions, personalities, etc – we have <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/arguing-for-limitations-vs-strengthening-limitations-reptilians-part-146">limited</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/we-do-not-even-see-ourselves-life-review">ourselves</a> in being able to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-systemization-mind-physical-assessment-system-part-11">assess</a> information for what it is and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/directing-your-process-reptilians-part-315">directing</a> it effectively. If we each stick to trying to do everything on our own – it’s going to take forever to find <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-solution-of-life">solutions</a> and walk them into correction, because in order to see information for what it is, we have to be able to also identify the lenses through which we view information – but if we have accepted those lenses as ‘normal’, then how can we see that they are lenses? Fortunately, each one has lived a different life, with different <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/stuck-in-a-pattern-with-parents-life-review">parents</a>, with different upbringing, with different experiences – and so in asking another for perspective, they might be able to see something that we hadn’t considered on our own, because the particular lens we were looking through, the particular glasses we were wearing didn’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">allow</a> us to see that point. <br />
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So, in working <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spending-time-together-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-44">together</a>, asking for <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-we-resist-support-reptilians-part-226">support</a> and others’ perspectives and suggestions, we have the greatest chance at walking this process most effectively and formulating solutions most effectively – because in the end, it’s not about where some piece of information/some suggestions came from – it’s about putting all the pieces of information together, to see the whole <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-human-picture-part-25">picture</a> and then directing it in terms of what is best for all. In the end, information is information, it cannot really be ‘owned’ – information is <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anna-viktor-discovers-the-physical-we-are-here">here</a> – it doesn’t belong to anyone . Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-34614129591297186732014-11-03T12:47:00.001-08:002014-11-25T06:15:36.746-08:00Day 148: Let's Stop Playing the Game of Thrones<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2wmVS1uWH7wdIdR58aQv4CvTQqoyunZUMyNedxlfnCX2PpMtjT-BC8dwTkrm9FmZHZABkXY348W_DHPaJbgEWytIH78UObQ1YwhjXOHlXVLCue4vfZPECmyRnUuwZn2ivS8p0haUWQR8/s1600/reign.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2wmVS1uWH7wdIdR58aQv4CvTQqoyunZUMyNedxlfnCX2PpMtjT-BC8dwTkrm9FmZHZABkXY348W_DHPaJbgEWytIH78UObQ1YwhjXOHlXVLCue4vfZPECmyRnUuwZn2ivS8p0haUWQR8/s1600/reign.png" height="181" width="320" /></a>For context, please read my previous blog-posts:<br />
<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-credit-is-mine.html" target="_blank">Day 146: The Credit is Mine!</a><br />
<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/day-147-memory-trigger-word.html" target="_blank">Day 147: A Memory, a Trigger Word</a><br />
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In the post ‘Day 146 – The Credit is Mine!’ I saw how the prideful character is like a queen on a throne requiring subjects to come and ‘bow for the queen’ – where the bowing stands representative of others giving ‘positive feedback’ as ‘praise’. In my last post – ‘Day 147:A Memory, a Trigger Word’ I explained how I realized <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/which-came-first-the-word-or-the-world-reptilians-part-185">the word</a> ‘queen’ exists as a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-polarity">polarized</a> word within myself – having both <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-problem-with-positivity-reptilians-part-251">positive</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-it-is-important-to-investigate-the-negative-part-135">negative</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/charge-quantum-systemization-part-24">charges</a>. I used a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/are-you-a-slave-or-master-to-your-memories-atlanteans-support-part-87">Memory</a> to show how – when this word was used by someone to describe me – I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experienced</a> a flood of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reaction-dimension-relationship-success-support">reactions</a> as the word ‘struck’ to the heart of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/money-made-me-who-i-was-life-review">who I was</a> living as within myself as the prideful character.<br />
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I had a look then at my relationship to the word ‘queen’ and I could immediately see several Disney movies and fairytales that had influenced my understanding and definition of this word. When watching the movies and reading/hearing the stories – I would admire the character of the ‘kindhearted’ princess (who will become a kindhearted queen) and I would <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/journeys-into-the-afterlife-the-being-that-died-as-fear-part-17">fear</a> the character of the ‘evil queen’ that usually plays some part in the stories as well – be it as an actual queen, or as an <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-why-the-nature-of-man-is-inherently-evil-part-33">evil</a> stepmother, as an evil fairy, etc. – they all embody the same character of a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-how-extreme-is-your-spite-atlanteans-part-179">spiteful</a> woman in an authoritative position. <br />
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As I moved through the story, I would identify with the kindhearted princess – because that’s who I would want to be and how I would want to be seen by others. I’m sure this is the case for most girls – I haven’t heard any girl saying she ‘liked’ the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-benevolence-of-evil">evil</a> queen characters more than the princess characters. But fascinatingly, when having that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/giving-life-to-the-pictures-in-my-mind-life-review">picture</a> of the ‘kind princess’ who is <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/love-and-hate-reptilians-part-126">loved</a> and revered by all who are fortunate enough to know her, in front of self as what self would like to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-experiencing-life-vs-living-life-part-52">live</a> and experience in this world – then disappointment comes soon enough, because – guess what: people don’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-why-love-is-so-addictive-part-47">love</a> and revere someone just for who they are. In my experience, it was grades, success and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-force-of-good-part-1-part-94">good</a> performance that got me praise – not ‘me being myself’. <br />
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And in so desperately attempting to hold on to that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-human-picture-part-25">picture</a>, that ideal, that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-do-i-keep-feeling-this-way-reptilians-part-188">feeling</a> of being praised, of being a princess, a kindhearted queen – I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-split-between-two-worlds-part-45">split</a> myself – because it was only on the outside, in how I presented myself towards others that I would play this character – trying to be the ‘good girl’ – but within myself, a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/introduction-fears-phobias">fear</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anxiety-support-by-the-atlanteans-part-1-part-83">anxiety</a> grew that turned into an <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/journeys-into-the-afterlife-the-obsession-with-detail-part-25">obsession</a> – because <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-what-if">what if</a> this praise stops or what if others stop <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">seeing</a> me in a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-little-bit-of-good-frees-me-from-all-the-bad-life-review">good</a> light, it would feel as though I am <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-fear-of-loss">losing</a> myself – so in the background, within myself, hidden from sight – would develop a different character – the prideful character – the exact character that I would <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-we-create-fear-instead-of-solutions-life-review">fear</a> when watching the Disney movies or when hearing fairy tales: the evil queen. <br />
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It’s interesting when looking at it, that in the Disney movies – they tend to cut the story line before the princess actually becomes a queen – or just after – you <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/living-in-assumptions-life-review">assume</a> that the kind princess remains true to her ‘kind nature’ – but we don’t actually know, they don’t show you – what kind of queen does the kindhearted princess become? Perhaps <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-truth-is-out-there-life-review">the truth</a> of the matter is seen as too shocking for children – what if the children would see that the kindhearted princess becomes the evil queen over <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-is-consequence-part-32">time</a> – what if they could see that the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-the-good-when-only-the-bad-prevails">good</a> queen and the evil queen are but two sides of the same coin? For that matter – what kind of a princess was the evil queen before she was an evil queen? Isn’t that what the movie Maleficent has contributed in showing? <br />
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Children have a degree of innocence and ‘good intentions’ when they are <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/too-young-too-old-life-review">young</a> and we like to believe when we grow up that we are doing good, that we are <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/you-never-actually-lived-life-review">living</a> up to those good intentions and that we are ‘doing the best we can’ – but who are we truly? Who are we within? Who are we when others leave the room and our backchat about them flourishes? When we scheme and plot to surpass and outshine others? When we throw tantrums for not being praised? When we <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-comparison-judgement-and-competition">judge</a> other out of sheer <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-success-support-jealousy-personality-part-1">jealousy</a>? We’re all <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/resisting-sex-relationship-success-support">wanting</a> to be kings and queens – good ones on the outside, but evil on the inside – how about we stop trying to be kings and queens? How about we learn to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/expecting-appreciation-from-others">appreciate</a> ourselves and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-we-resist-support-reptilians-part-226">support</a> ourselves to live by principles that are best for all – and do the same for others? Do away with <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-pain-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-26">fear</a>, do away with hiding, do away with <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-how-to-manipulate-part-8">manipulation</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-reptilians-interdimensional-technology-of-deception-and-manipulation-part-1-part-158">deception</a> – is that not what we all would truly want? <br />
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Join us at <a href="http://desteni.org/">Desteni</a> to walk this practical process of self-change – sign up for the <a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/" target="_blank">Free</a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null"> DIP Lite course</a> and introduce yourself on the <a href="http://desteni.org/forum" target="_blank">Forum</a>!Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-48988285278251547122014-10-29T06:35:00.001-07:002014-11-25T06:12:32.521-08:00Day 147: A Memory, a Trigger Word<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In my previous post - <a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-credit-is-mine.html" target="_blank">Day 146: The Credit is Mine! </a>- I said that as I was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29">writing</a>, I had a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-multi-dimensions-of-memories-reptilians-part-232">memory</a> come up. So, if you haven’t yet – I suggest reading the previous post first.<br />
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The <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/are-you-a-slave-or-master-to-your-memories-atlanteans-support-part-87">memory</a> that came up was quite a ‘significant one’ – <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/man-made-meaning-reptilians-part-256">meaning</a>: a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-i-ruined-my-life-with-a-memory">memory</a> that I have been working with for quite some <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-consciousness-s-worst-enemy-part-67">time</a> or that has come up several <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">times</a> in my process and each <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-is-consequence-part-32">time</a> there are different points revealed from/of it. And so, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anna-viktor-discovers-the-physical-we-are-here">here</a> again, lol.<br />
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This <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/memories-caught-in-the-mind-s-web-reptilians-part-229">memory</a> stands in relation to my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/alice-bailey-agreement-and-relationship">relationship</a> with a particular person that I was not on <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-force-of-good-part-1-part-94">good</a> terms with. I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experienced</a> this person as judgmental, unfair and brutal. Needless to say that over <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-and-money-life-review">time</a>, I accumulated a vast amount of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/negative-reactions-compromising-self-realization-reptilians-part-228">reactions</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/resentment-genesis-atlanteans-part-132">resentment</a> towards this particular person, but I would never <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/voice-tonalities-atlanteans-part-141">voice</a> them – I would brood and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-with-being-cursed">curse</a> in silence and complain about the person to others. Now, within this <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-and-memories-part-1-part-164">memory</a> – I was having a discussion with my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-crazy-mother">mother</a> and we were not agreeing on something. This other person was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-past-the-present-and-the-future-part-20">present</a> as well and at some point started shouting and ranting at me – I cannot remember all that was said – but one particular point I remember very clearly – these were the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-nature-of-words-reptilians-part-183">words</a> that triggered my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reacting-to-memory-reactions-atlanteans-part-88">reactions</a> to ‘shoot through the roof’, smash the plate I was holding onto the kitchen floor, shout that I’ve had enough at the top of my lungs and get into a huge fight. <br />
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Now – those particular <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-and-behavior-seeds-life-review">words</a> that were said that triggered my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/trusting-mind-reactions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-23">reactions</a> to go through the roof – I had always remembered them, but I hadn’t placed any importance on why I was remembering these <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-words-aren-t-free-reptilians-part-219">words</a> or even why these words had such an impact in terms of the intensity of my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-mind-reactions-part-1-quantum-mind-self-awareness">reactions</a> increasing so extensively. <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/which-came-first-the-word-or-the-world-reptilians-part-185">The </a><a href="https://eqafe.com/p/when-words-are-the-looking-glass-to-ourselves-reptilians-part-203">words</a> were ‘you <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-thoughts-bombard-the-physical-and-destroy-self">think</a> you’re the queen and everyone must just bow for you’ – lol. So, in writing my previous blog about how I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a> the prideful character as <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> a queen on a throne within myself and any time someone <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-give-unconditionally-in-your-relationship-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-25">gives</a> ‘praise’ it is like a person bowing before the queen and how this <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-creating-relationships-part-15">relationship</a> to praise had become like an addiction within myself – in ‘needing people to praise me’ – I could suddenly why these words that were <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-consequences-of-speaking-atlanteans-part-160">spoken</a> in that moment would have such a big impact – because they were striking at the heart of the prideful character that I had become, lived and embodied totally and completely by that age. <br />
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It is fascinating – every time I would remember these words I would think ‘that just shows how little this person knew and understood me, if that’s how they see me – a queen who wants everyone to bow for her’ – because on a conscious level and how I would interact with people on a conscious level, I did not at all see myself this way, let <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/loner-life-review">alone</a> want to be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">seen</a> this way – but on a deeper level, these words summarized a very large aspect of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/money-made-me-who-i-was-life-review">who I was</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">accepting and allowing</a> myself to be and exist as.<br />
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Herein – I remember very clearly how the word ‘queen’ within what he said, was the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-power-of-one-word-part-58">one word</a> in relation to which I allowed a flood of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reaction-prevention-quantum-mind-self-awareness">reactions</a> to surge up inside me – showing that this is a word that is <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-polarity">polarized</a> within and as me – holding both <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-problem-with-positivity-reptilians-part-251">positive</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-it-is-important-to-investigate-the-negative-part-135">negative</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/charge-quantum-systemization-part-24">charges</a>. <br />
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So, I’ll write a bit more on the polarization of the word ‘queen’ in my next post. Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-12804533275100608792014-10-27T04:58:00.000-07:002014-11-25T06:26:37.649-08:00Day 146: The Credit is Mine!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSejztmyh2Rtoh9r9t-dEXXTdIZHkUTnoFN8J2MZr23OWigUevtKDw3u9P-YeLs7AfjhBIsL-OnubjWPGha8MSkc8UKOrjx_YfcK-brprHsamcAHxac2-vuRg_GMVDEnuSdq1oHsyelYk/s1600/EgyptianQueenonThrone.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSejztmyh2Rtoh9r9t-dEXXTdIZHkUTnoFN8J2MZr23OWigUevtKDw3u9P-YeLs7AfjhBIsL-OnubjWPGha8MSkc8UKOrjx_YfcK-brprHsamcAHxac2-vuRg_GMVDEnuSdq1oHsyelYk/s1600/EgyptianQueenonThrone.png" /></a></div>
In my recent blogs I’ve been exploring the Prideful Character – for more perspective read:<br />
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<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-141-pride-root-of-all-sin.html" target="_blank">Day 141: Pride – The Root of All Sin?</a><br />
<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-142-pride-and-perfection.html" target="_blank">Day 142: Pride and Perfection</a><br />
<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/day-143-pride-prize-versus-hide.html" target="_blank">Day 143: Pride – Prize versus Hide</a><br />
<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/day-144-it-doesnt-matter-what-you-say-i.html" target="_blank">Day 144: It doesn’t matter what you say, I already decided I won’t listen to you</a><br />
<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/day-145-maleficent-pride-and-regret.html" target="_blank">Day 145: Maleficent – Pride and Regret</a><br />
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Another aspect of the Prideful Character is wanting to get credit for ‘doing something good’. <br />
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Examples are for instance:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Sharing an idea with someone and then another person sharing that idea with a group where the group then perceives that the person who shared the idea with the group is the one who came up with the idea and people are then congratulating that person – and now self reacts – because ‘that was MY Idea!’, ‘the credit should go to ME!’. </li>
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<ul>
<li>When working in a group on a project or to achieve a certain goal and as the group is moving towards or reaching success in its goals, self is convinced that it is because of one’s own contribution that there is success – for at one point raising an idea, or for carrying out a specific task – as though self is the one to which all the credit for the success belongs – when actually, there was a whole group involved. </li>
</ul>
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This point stems again from one’s relationship to praise – where, if one has created a relationship to praise in a way where one believes one ‘doesn’t exist’ if one isn’t being praised – then any and all situations in which self would expect a possibility of praise – will be grasped at and if the praise does not come – there is a tantrum – because self perceives having a right to the praise. <br />
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It’s fascinating, because there’s a point of desperation within this point – similar to an addict desperately needing a ‘fix’ to feel okay, to feel at peace – as though one is time and time again building and walking into this intensifying experience of anxiety and instability – as though, if someone doesn’t give some praise soon – one’s foundation will be pulled from under self – because ‘who am I if I’m not being praised?’.<br />
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Lol, when I look at the prideful character, it’s truly like seeing a queen on a throne within one’s mind – and within sitting on the throne – hands on the arm-rests of the chair – eyes straight ahead– there is an experience of absolute stability – but it’s not in fact stability – it’s an experience of control. But! The queen can only be queen if it has subjects that recognize her as the queen – and if no one has come by in a while to bow at the queen – then who is the queen a queen of? What does it mean to be a queen if there is no one bowing before the queen?? <br />
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And this ‘bowing before the queen’ is in the form of receiving praise from others – when praise is given – which is not necessarily praise from the point of the person giving, but how it is perceived by the prideful character; for instance, it could just be a point of cross-reference and a person agreeing, or it can be someone encouraging what self is busy with – but in the eyes of the prideful character, any and all feedback that is not ‘negative’, is ‘positive’ and is ‘praise’ – as though someone is actually bowing before self – before the queen – and now the queen’s legitimacy is restored and can ‘rest assured’ on the throne for a while again – experiencing that point of ‘apparent stability’ which is in fact control – in being able to suppress the actual anxieties and fears underneath the surface by placing ‘praise’ on the forefront.<br />
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I’ll continue with this point in my next post, because as I’m writing I have a memory coming up that I’m starting to see in a new light, in new understanding – so will share that in my next post!Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-87811767852380841892014-10-13T14:27:00.000-07:002014-11-28T12:06:13.761-08:00Day 145: Maleficent – Pride and Regret<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>This blog-post is a continuation to:</i><br />
<i><br /><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-141-pride-root-of-all-sin.html">Day 141: Pride - The Root of All Sin?</a><br /><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-142-pride-and-perfection.html">Day 142: Pride and Perfection</a><br /><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/day-143-pride-prize-versus-hide.html">Day 143: Pride – Prize versus Hide</a><br /> <a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/10/day-144-it-doesnt-matter-what-you-say-i.html">Day 144: It doesn't matter what you say, I already decided I won't listen to you</a></i><br />
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Maleficent is the name of the evil fairy in Sleeping Beauty and also the name of the new Disney movie where this classic fairy tale is told from Maleficent’s point of view. Without going into a debate about whether it’s a good movie or not or whether it is cool or not that the story was told from the villain’s point of view – I found the movie depicting the point of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/discovering-self-pride-life-review">Pride</a> quite nicely so will use it as a reference from that perspective.<br />
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In the story, Maleficent starts out as an ‘innocent’ fairy. She’s revered by the other creatures in her domain for her large wings, her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/enter-natural-self-expression-reptilians-part-252">expression</a>, her devotion. At some point, she is ‘betrayed’ by a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/audrey-hepburn-family-and-friends">friend</a>, a human, that she had <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/respect-integrity-trust-and-honour-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-19">trusted</a> with access to ‘fairyland’ to call it that – I don’t recall the exact terms. In any case, her human friend cuts off her wings to bring them to his dying king so that he may ascend to the throne after the king’s death. When she realized the ‘betrayal’, she decided to take revenge and destroy what is most precious to him – his daughter.<br />
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In that moment, it seemed like the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/right-and-wrong-relationship-success-support">right</a> thing to do – she felt justified in her decision of avenging her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-fear-of-loss">loss</a> and betrayal. As the child grows up on the country-side under the stewardship of the ‘three good fairies’ – Maleficent keeps an eye on her and on occasion steps in to make sure the child is not harmed. As the child grows older, her and Maleficent start to develop a relationship – the child <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-thoughts-bombard-the-physical-and-destroy-self">thinking</a>/believing that Maleficent is her fairy godmother. It becomes clear how Maleficent starts to see the child in a different light – no longer just ‘the most precious possession of my enemy and therefore my target for destruction’ – but a child in her own right, with her own <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/from-mind-presence-to-living-expression-reptilians-part-148">expression</a>, her own life. More and more you can see the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-doubt-and-change-part-1-reptilians-part-211">doubt</a> in Maleficent in terms of the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/decision-making-101-part-1-reptilians-part-156">decision</a> she had made and the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-with-being-cursed">curse</a> she had placed on the girl, Sleeping Beauty. But she wipes away the doubt and the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/regret-what-is-it-atlanteans-part-120">regret</a>, because ‘she made that decision and in that moment, she felt so right and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-righteousness-part-35">righteous</a> about it, she cannot, she won’t, reconsider it. Then of course, she will only admit her mistake when it is <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/it-s-too-late-for-you-life-review">too late</a> and the curse takes effect. <br />
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Another way in which the prideful character is so nicely depicted in Maleficent is her total disregard for everything and everyone around her. Whereas she used to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/do-we-really-care-reptilians-part-218">care</a> and nurture, she starts to poison and harm – in the movie, she literally casts a ‘dark cloud’ over her land and ‘sucks the joy’ out of everything around her. The only thing on her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-when-the-mind-falls-in-the-face-of-reality">mind</a> is her revenge, her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-path-to-life-substance-demons-in-the-afterlife-part-35">path</a>, her point of view – nothing else matters – everything can be sacrificed for her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-interest-in-self-honesty-how-does-that-work-reptilians-support-part-169">self-interest</a>. And anyone who tries to point it out to her is shut down.<br />
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Oh, how far we are willing to go to protect our self-interest. Would it not be easier to admit the mistake? To take a step back and see the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/facing-consequences-process-of-change-reptilians-part-161">consequences</a> one is busy creating, for oneself and for everyone else involved? To see that: okay, I am experiencing some very strong <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sound-emotions-and-the-body-life-review">emotions</a> here and I reaaaaaallly want to stick with my point of view – but that is all it is: my point of view – am I really <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-facing-choice-part-1-part-107">choosing</a> the optimum path here? Is this really a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-solution-of-life">solution</a>? Whom does this benefit, whom does this harm?<br />
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In the movie, of course, all magically ends well, but we all know how, in real <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-systemization-what-is-life-part-18">life</a>, when our mistakes catch up with us, we don’t just get a ‘happily ever after’ handed to us – the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-future-of-consequence-part-41">consequences</a> are already created and now have to be faced and walked through. Is our pride really worth it? Superimposing an <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a> over <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-obvious-secret-reality-or-illusion-part-18">reality</a>, superimposing <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/we-do-not-even-see-ourselves-life-review">ourselves</a> over others – to what end? To eventually have to realize the same thing: 'crap, I made a mistake'. Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-80836789191756410252014-10-09T04:19:00.000-07:002014-10-09T04:19:41.717-07:00Day 144: It doesn't matter what you say, I already decided I won't listen to you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I ended off in my previous post with saying how I started internalizing ‘pats on the back’ – in that, if I felt I had done something well, I would ‘congratulate myself’ and ‘feel proud about myself’ in relation to what I’d done. As well as the other side of trying to hide the mistakes I made, not only from others, but from myself as well. <br />
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Now, where I find the Prideful Character to be most apparent is in moments where someone makes a suggestion to me or points out that something I did could have been done differently. How I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a> my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reaction-prevention-quantum-mind-self-awareness">reactions</a> in such moments it that there is a sudden jolt of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/separation-anxiety-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-31">anxiety</a> in my solar plexus area, as though the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/deconstructing-your-anxiety-atlanteans-support-part-85">anxiety</a> is coming from all over my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/body-beingness-energy-kryon-my-existential-history">body</a> and centers in the solar plexus. And, you <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-be-still-and-know-i-am-god-part-22">know</a>, how <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anxiety-support-by-the-atlanteans-part-1-part-83">anxiety</a> is <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experienced</a> like a ‘current’ – like a wild river suddenly rushing in – well, with the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-i-justified-my-life-of-anxiety">anxiety</a> centering in my solar plexus, I first experience it as that fast <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-physical-self-movement-vs-mind-experience-part-26">moving</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/energy-energy-energy-life-review">energy</a>, but only for a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-split-between-two-worlds-part-45">split</a> second – and then it’s like I harden it into a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/journeys-into-the-afterlife-the-being-in-a-rock-part-16">rock</a>. Like – if you’d have molten lava, and pour icy water of it and then it turns to hard rock. So, in those moments, there is first <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reliving-anxiety-of-the-past-atlanteans-support-part-86">anxiety</a>, which I then immediately transmute into that hardness/toughness, which you can call <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/stubbornness-introduction-atlanteans-part-154">stubbornness</a>, arrogance, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-convinced-of-my-own-righteousness-part-85">righteousness</a>. And then, from within that experience, I reply with justifications.<br />
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Now, this <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reaction-dimension-relationship-success-support">reaction</a> pattern moves very fast and very automated. I had previously looked at the point, but there was a dimension I was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/missing-the-moment-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-15">missing</a>. In opening up the Prideful character, I saw a new <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">dimension</a>. I had already <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">seen</a> the point of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-taking-this-personally-victim">taking it personally,</a> the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fearing-your-own-fears-reptilians-part-128">fear</a> of making mistakes, the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-transforming-self-judgement-part-17">self-judgment</a> and the polarization from <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-why-the-mind-is-inferior-to-the-superiority-physicality-part-44">inferiority</a> to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-i-believed-i-was-superior-to-my-mind">superiority</a> – but there is a specific dynamic that I had overlooked. And that dynamic is that – the action for which a person is <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-give-unconditionally-in-your-relationship-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-25">giving</a> me suggestions/comments/criticism – I had already congratulated myself on that, I had already classified it as a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-force-of-good-part-1-part-94">good</a> thing or the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/right-and-wrong-relationship-success-support">right</a> thing to do, and from there, given myself a pat on the back for <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/you-do-it-to-yourself-life-review">doing</a> that – and then, of course, I felt proud about myself. So, afterwards, in someone suggesting I could/should have done it differently – I’d feel I have to ‘give back’ that ‘pat on the back’ that I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/give-and-receive-the-soul-of-money">gave</a> myself – and… well… I didn’t want to – lol. In slowing down the experience, there’s a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-thought-and-thinking-a-deliberate-creation-of-control-part-105">thought</a> of ‘no, no, no! I already made myself feel proud over that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/decision-making-101-part-1-reptilians-part-156">decision</a>/action, I already validated myself through that – no, I don’t want to reconsider that at all!’ <br />
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And of course, herein I am completely limiting myself – because all I want to do is stick to my opinion, the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/personalized-global-perceptions-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-32">perception</a> I had of myself in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-past-the-present-and-the-future-part-20">the past</a> in terms of what I did and what I considered within making that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-facing-choice-part-1-part-107">decision</a>/performing that action. I am unwilling to re-evaluate myself – let <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-my-fear-of-aloneness-part-46">alone</a> take <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/responsibility-reptilians-part-248">responsibility</a> for my mistakes.<br />
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If I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">allow</a> myself to stick to that stance within myself, of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-righteousness-part-35">righteousness</a>, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/stubbornness-independence-dependence-interdependence-atlanteans-part-161">stubbornness</a>, arrogance – then we get to that ‘other meaning’ of the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-words-aren-t-free-reptilians-part-219">word</a> ‘pride’ – where a person takes on a stance of superiority to justify what self is doing, in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-how-extreme-is-your-spite-atlanteans-part-179">spite</a> of what is common sense or best for all. And so we’ve come full <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/geometric-designs-in-the-mind-circle-quantum-systemization-part-41">circle</a> in the base design of ‘Pride’ and how it starts off seemingly innocent - ‘just a pat on the back’, but dependent on one’s <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-why-do-relationships-exist-part-35">relationship</a> with these gestures – one can develop pride in the sense of arrogance, righteousness, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-introduction-atlanteans-part-174">spitefulness</a>, self-centeredness and total disregard for others – which, fascinatingly, are characteristics described to whom? To female villains! Have a look at the evil queen in Snow White, the evil witch in Sleeping Beauty, the evil step mother in Cinderella – each of them are the Characterization of PRIDE – look at the stance, look at the facial <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/enter-natural-self-expression-reptilians-part-252">expressions</a>, look at the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/journeys-into-the-afterlife-the-obsession-with-detail-part-25">obsessions</a> – they are all expressions of pride. <br />
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I’ll continue in my next post by using the movie ‘Maleficent’ as a reference of the play-out of the pattern of pride, as it is quite clearly depicted there.Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-41602164658026373212014-10-05T02:44:00.001-07:002014-10-05T02:44:53.554-07:00Day 143: Pride – Prize versus Hide<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://livelifeelectric.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/backstage-ballerina-during-a-performance-of-swan-lake-1990-1-c31342.jpg?w=640" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://livelifeelectric.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/backstage-ballerina-during-a-performance-of-swan-lake-1990-1-c31342.jpg?w=640" height="215" width="320" /></a></div>
So, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/who-does-my-relationship-make-me-relationship-success-support">my relationship</a> with <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/discovering-self-pride-life-review">pride</a> was one of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-polarity">polarity</a>. On the one hand there was this <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/driven-by-desire-life-review">desire</a> of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> acknowledged, validated, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/expecting-appreciation-from-others">appreciated</a>, encouraged and admired. And within the belief that the only thing ‘adults’ liked and appreciated me for were my ‘performance levels’ – I started defining myself/my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/redefining-value-reptilians-part-267">value</a> entirely in terms of people being proud of me and me being proud of myself. So, that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/energy-energy-energy-life-review">energy</a> of pride became a ‘necessity’ – if there was no pride, either from others or from myself, then how did I matter?<br />
On the other hand – any miss-step, any mistake, or the possibility of a mistake became huge <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/creating-heart-disease-through-fear-life-review">fears</a>, and these were parts of myself I would try to hide at all cost.<br />
So, on the one side I was trying to be visible/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">seen</a>/noticed, but on the other I was hiding and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/isolating-myself-within-an-interest-life-review">isolating myself</a>.<br />
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So – within this Pride Character I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/filing-our-mind-finding-ourselves-reptilians-part-220">found myself</a> participating in two ‘opposing’ forces – an outward one and an inward one. And, interestingly, in looking at the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-words-aren-t-free-reptilians-part-219">word</a> ‘Pride’ – it reflects this duality. Within the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sound-emotions-and-the-body-life-review">sound</a> of the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/when-words-are-the-looking-glass-to-ourselves-reptilians-part-203">word</a> ‘Pride’ one can see the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-power-of-one-word-part-58">words</a> ‘prize’ and ‘hide’. ‘Prize’ in terms of winning, being the best, getting to be on the stage an in the spotlights. ‘Hide’ then of course, the opposite of wanting to hide in the shadows and not <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">allow</a> people to see one’s mistakes/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-i-am-not-a-failure-part-51">failures</a> or even the fact that one is capable of making mistakes or fail.<br />
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This dynamic started playing out within myself as well – meaning – I would start giving myself pats on the back when I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-thoughts-bombard-the-physical-and-destroy-self">thought</a> I did something well and I would hide my mistakes from myself – trying to convince myself that I was innocent in the matter or any other forms of self-manipulation consisting of excuses and justifications so I wouldn’t need to admit and face up to my mistakes. <br />
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I’ll continue in my next post. Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-21866623986129491982014-09-30T01:46:00.002-07:002014-09-30T01:46:43.337-07:00Day 142: Pride and Perfection<i>This blog-post is a continuation to the post '<a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-141-pride-root-of-all-sin.html">Day 141: Pride - The Root of All Sin?</a>', please read it for context. </i><br />
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<a href="http://perpendicularsoul.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/balance-beam.jpg?w=300&h=183" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://perpendicularsoul.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/balance-beam.jpg?w=300&h=183" height="196" width="320" /></a>In my previous post, I mentioned how I connected <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/discovering-self-pride-life-review">pride</a> to ‘being proud’ when having accomplished something, where when I had done something ‘well’, I was placed in the limelight for a moment as a congratulation on my success.<br />
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Within my childhood, these moments were frequent. It started when I was in my ‘3rd toddler class’ – the year before first grade. In that year, my brother had started to teach me how to read. I’m not entirely sure how it started, but I think I was just fascinated by the things he was learning since he was 4 years older than me and I probably asked him to teach me how to read, or he just proposed to teach me. So, when we had <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">time</a>, he would teach me how to read letters and I started learning to read one-syllable <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-and-behavior-seeds-life-review">words</a>. In third toddler class, you mostly just play all day, but I started sitting with a piece of paper and try to write <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-words-aren-t-free-reptilians-part-219">words</a>. I would practice the ones that Gabriel, my brother, had taught me and I would try new ones on my own. I asked my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-as-a-teacher">teacher</a> to check it once and she asked how it is I knew how to read and write, so I told her my brother had taught me some. One day she gathered the whole class and together we went to the first grade class. She said ‘I have something to show everyone! Maite <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/secret-history-of-the-universe-is-life-here-part-7">here</a> can read already! You don’t have to believe me, I’ll show you’. They had a train with letters and she started taking pieces of the train to form <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-power-of-one-word-part-58">words</a>, I was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anxiety-support-by-the-atlanteans-part-1-part-83">anxious</a>, because, well, I only knew so many <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/when-words-are-the-looking-glass-to-ourselves-reptilians-part-203">words</a>, so I was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/wishing-and-hoping-and-dreaming-reptilians-part-257">hoping</a> she wouldn’t make a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-nature-of-words-reptilians-part-183">word</a> I didn’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-be-still-and-know-i-am-god-part-22">know</a> how to read. She made <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/which-came-first-the-word-or-the-world-reptilians-part-185">the word</a> ‘sun’ and asked me to read it. I was relieved, I knew that one, so I said ‘sun’. Then she did a few others, and I knew them all. Everyone clapped and I felt a bit awkward. For one, because I wasn’t sure why they were making a big deal out of it – I just had an interest and did it for myself, I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/looking-for-joy-life-review">enjoyed</a> it. Second, because I couldn’t REALLY read, I only knew one-syllable words and not even all of them, so I felt like a fraud. <br />
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From then on, I created a reputation of being ‘smart’. For my first graded report in 1st grade, I had the maximum marks on all tests and so had 100% on my report. That day, I had taken a ride with my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/audrey-hepburn-family-and-friends">friend</a> to ballet class and my mom had gone to pick up my report, so I didn’t know what it said. When I came <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/matti-freeman-home-is-here">home</a> from ballet class, I found my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-crazy-mother">mother</a> in tears. I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-thought-and-thinking-a-deliberate-creation-of-control-part-105">thought</a> ‘oh no, was it that bad!’ Then she came and she hugged and kissed me and I still didn’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/i-finally-understand">understand</a> what was happening. My brother came and showed me the report and said: ‘you have 100%!’ I looked at the report, and it showed all the tests and the marks, which were all the maximum ad then the ‘sum’ of 100% at the bottom. I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-thoughts-bombard-the-physical-and-destroy-self">thought</a>, well, yes, I knew all the answers, so it makes sense, no? Again I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal, because I just did what they told me to do and answered the questions on the tests. I understood everything, so I could answer everything. But it seemed, from how they were behaving, that this wasn’t normal. I wasn’t sure why they were proud of me, because I didn’t ‘do’ anything special, I just ‘did it’. <br />
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And it continued like that mostly throughout my school years, I didn’t have any problems with anything really. When I got to 4th grade, my mom started becoming <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/worry-transforming-worry-atlanteans-part-112">worried</a> about me. I’m not sure why, but she thought I was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-fear-of-change">changing</a> and she thought I must be bored in school. She asked me if I was and I said ‘maybe, I suppose’. She asked the principal if it would be possible for me to skip a year and I did. I struggled initially when I was trying to catch up with the material from the year before on my own time, but by <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/niklas-nydahl-scary-christmas">Christmas</a> I had gone back to top of the class grades. <br />
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In anything else I did outside school, I seemed to be ‘naturally’ proficient as well. Whether it was drawing school, ballet, music, flute – I was always in the ‘top of the class’ and each <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-and-money-life-review">time</a> I was told I was ‘gifted’. <br />
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So, within my childhood years, I had many moments where I was placed in the limelight, where people were ‘showing off’ with me or using me as an example to others. Although I enjoyed those moments, because they <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-could-you-make-me-feel-this-way-life-review">made me feel</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-little-bit-of-good-frees-me-from-all-the-bad-life-review">good</a> about myself, at the same time I was not happy with the way people saw me and the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-high-expectations-for-my-child-s-future">expectations</a> they had. I felt pressured to perform well in every area of my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-either-life-or-death-part-27">life</a>. It started to think that people, and specifically adults, liked me only because I was ‘successful’, to call it that. Within this I started becoming more <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/insecurity-insecurity-confidence-polarity-atlanteans-part-150">insecure</a> and afraid about making mistakes, because if I wasn’t able to keep up ‘the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-the-good-when-only-the-bad-prevails">good</a> work’, then people might start rejecting me, or stop <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/love-and-hate-reptilians-part-126">loving</a> me. <br />
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Herein I specifically remember a situation in 2nd grade where we were learning the multiplication tables. We would do tests almost every week and then the teacher implemented a system where, after the test she would grade everyone and those with the highest grades would then play the multiplication <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/gaming-death-death-research-part-1">game</a>. Where, basically, we each started at the back of the class, lined up horizontally and the teacher would state a multiplication calculation and then the first one to should out the answer could take a step forward, the first one to reach the front of the class wins. I was usually part of these <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/gaming-death-death-research-part-5">games</a>, but I absolutely hated them due to the amount of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/separation-anxiety-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-31">anxiety</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-we-create-fear-instead-of-solutions-life-review">fear</a> I would <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experience</a>. I would be totally shaking inside and didn’t know how not to feel like that. I would start dreading these <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-game-of-life-part-96">games</a> to such an extent, that I decided to just do bad on my test. I felt it was a dilemma, because I was expected to be one of the ‘gamers’. Anyway, I thought the trade-off was worth it. So, I deliberately made mistakes on my test so I wouldn’t be part of those playing the game. And now, that time, of course, the teacher didn’t wait to grade the tests, but just called up the same people who always participate, to do the game. After the teacher had graded the paper, I saw her comment under my mark saying ‘!?!?’<br />
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What started happening within all of this is that I started trying to hide my mistakes for <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-power-of-fear-part-90">fear</a> of letting people down. What people seemed to be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-always-expecting-the-worst">expecting</a> was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/original-perfection-reptilians-part-242">perfection</a> or near <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-external-perfectionism-escaping-self">perfection</a>, so that’s what I would try to project. ‘I don’t do mistakes’. But within myself I was the total opposite, I was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-i-justified-my-life-of-anxiety">anxious</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/insecurity-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-149">insecure</a>, and would go into absolute rage when I didn’t get something <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/right-and-wrong-relationship-success-support">right</a>. Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-50018480991420211572014-09-26T03:50:00.002-07:002014-09-26T03:50:49.556-07:00Day 141: Pride - The Root of All Sin?<br />
<a href="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/7f/16/9d/7f169d38ff66b9b8cb57b10208f448e4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/7f/16/9d/7f169d38ff66b9b8cb57b10208f448e4.jpg" height="320" width="210" /></a>When working with the tools introduced in SRA2 course of <a href="http://desteni.org/">Desteni</a> I Process, you’ll be pushed to see those aspects of yourself that you have lived out as yourself to such an extent that it is hard to identify them. <br />
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For me, the point that was revealed in this way was ‘Pride’. Someone had mentioned it to me before, that pride is one of my defining characters/characteristics – but I couldn’t relate to it AT ALL. Even when <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29">writing</a> about it, what I was able to uncover was very <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/my-life-of-superficial-relationships">superficial</a>. It was only within using the tools I had learned in SRA2 and someone pointing at one sentence showing how that was a statement/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/enter-natural-self-expression-reptilians-part-252">expression</a> of pride, that I could suddenly see it. It was literally as though I was blinded to that part of myself – but once it was shown to me how I lived pride in one specific moments, I could suddenly see it all over my writing, my behavior, my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-why-do-relationships-exist-part-35">relationship</a> with myself and others – like a veil lifting and for the first <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-is-consequence-part-32">time</a> meeting this part of myself – and then <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> astounded at <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">seeing</a> it to be one of the main characters I participate in and live out that in fact creates <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/conflict-in-relationships-as-energy-generators-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-26">conflict</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-secret-history-of-the-universe-does-separation-in-fact-exist-part-5">separation</a>, but which I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/living-in-assumptions-life-review">assumed</a> was simply ‘a part of myself’ or that I had justified to such an extent that I couldn’t see it for what it was.<br />
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My understanding and ‘opinion’ of pride has always been that it is harmless. In Christianity, pride is one of the seven deadly <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-of-sin">sins</a> – pride is even called ‘the root of all sin’. But why? What was so terrible about pride that it gained that status? For me, pride was about ‘being proud of myself’, especially when I had accomplished something successfully – then I’d be proud about what I had achieved and feel <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-the-good-when-only-the-bad-prevails">good</a> about myself. What’s so <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-little-bit-of-good-frees-me-from-all-the-bad-life-review">bad</a> about that? Others were proud of me when I had done something well, and would say ‘well done’ or ‘I’m proud of you, girl’. So, why shouldn’t I be proud of myself? Isn’t it *just* me congratulating myself, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-give-unconditionally-in-your-relationship-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-25">giving</a> myself a pat on the back? Lol. <br />
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It seemed to be that pride was something desirable – it’s something I believed was how I was supposed to reward myself, in the same way I would be rewarded by <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/stuck-in-a-pattern-with-parents-life-review">parents</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-as-a-teacher">teachers</a> whenever I had done something ‘right’ or ‘good’ or ‘well’ – then you get to be placed in the limelight, on a pedestal for a moment – with everyone admiring and congratulating you for what you’ve done. It was so much part of my world that I never questioned it, let <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-my-relationship-with-aloneness-part-59">alone</a> regard it as ‘the root of all sin’. <br />
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But there is another ‘meaning’ of pride that is referred to when talking about pride as a sin. In that context, it seems to be more about a person being self-centered and looking down on others – where pride stands in the way of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/cooperation-life-review">cooperation</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/encoding-communication-and-programming-relationships-part-1-quantum-systemization-part-29">communication</a>, of working <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/together-we-are-strong-life-review-part-1">together</a> to find <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-solution-of-life">solutions</a> that are best for all. <br />
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So, in my blogs to come I’ll be exploring the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">dimensions</a> of how I have existed and Pride and what the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-system-practical-support-relationship-success-support">relationship</a> is between pride in the two <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/man-made-meaning-reptilians-part-256">meanings</a> of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/which-came-first-the-word-or-the-world-reptilians-part-185">the word</a> as I introduced in this blog.Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-6039308472297811782014-09-03T02:41:00.001-07:002014-09-03T02:41:27.017-07:00Day 140: Who Am I in a Group? - Self-Corrective Statements<i><span id="goog_858928105"></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_858928106"></span>This blog-post is a continuation to: </i><br /><br /> <a href="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTIUCwfCdXuaPCD5RD3ELwcaTS5vO0Xw7u2trqUvXYGYP3SwgYp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTIUCwfCdXuaPCD5RD3ELwcaTS5vO0Xw7u2trqUvXYGYP3SwgYp" height="212" width="320" /></a><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-ZA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-131-who-am-i-in-group.html"><span style="color: blue;">Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?</span></a></span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-ZA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-132-who-am-i-in-group-clashes-of.html"><span style="color: blue;">Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures</span></a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-133-who-am-i-in-group-nothing-left.html"><span style="color: blue;">Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories</span></a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-134-who-am-i-in-group-dance-company.html"><span style="color: blue;">Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1</span></a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/06/day-135-who-am-i-in-group-dance-company.html"><span style="color: blue;">Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2</span></a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/06/day-136-who-am-i-in-group-dancing-with.html"><span style="color: blue;">Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost</span></a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/07/day-137-who-am-i-in-group-self.html"><span style="color: blue;">Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1</span></a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/08/day-138-who-am-i-in-group-self.html"><span style="color: blue;">Day 138: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 2 </span></a></i></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-ZA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/08/day-139-who-am-i-in-group-self.html">Day 139: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt3 </a></i></span></span><br />
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When and as I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">see</a> myself participating in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-relationship-between-fear-guilt-and-shame">fear</a>/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/deconstructing-your-anxiety-atlanteans-support-part-85">anxiety</a>/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/worry-sounding-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-111">worry</a> in relation to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> introduced to a new group and not knowing what I will be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experiencing</a>, facing, be exposed to – I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-couldn-t-i-stop-myself">stop</a>, I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-when-breath-is-not-your-own">breathe</a> – I realize that actually, that which I am afraid of is my own <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-care-your-full-potential-reptilians-part-265">potential</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-obsessed-with-my-future">future</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reaction-dimension-relationship-success-support">reactions</a> where I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/living-in-assumptions-life-review">assume</a> that I will not be able to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/directing-your-process-reptilians-part-315">direct</a> myself within <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reaction-prevention-quantum-mind-self-awareness">reactions</a> - where this <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-living-fear">fear</a> is based on <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/overanalysing-memories-life-review">memories</a> in which I didn’t know how to direct myself within our without when experiencing inner turmoil as I did not yet have the tools to assist and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29">support</a> myself to do so – and so any scenario I would step into where I couldn’t predict exactly how I would <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a> myself/how I might <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reactions-to-nature-life-review">react</a> in moments, I started dreading – and so I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/commitment-relationship-success-support">commit</a> myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-experiencing-life-vs-living-life-part-52">live</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/moving-from-unpredictability-to-predictability-to-self-trust-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-14">self-trust</a> in realizing that I am <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anna-viktor-discovers-the-physical-we-are-here">here</a>, I have the tools and no matter what happens, whether I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-mind-reactions-part-1-quantum-mind-self-awareness">react</a> or not, I am able to assist and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-we-resist-support-reptilians-part-226">support</a> myself and expand myself through being in a new environment, with new <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-establishing-individuality-part-14">individuals</a> – allowing myself to open up and face points I might previously not have the opportunity to transcend.<br />
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When and as I see myself participating in the pattern of first keeping to the background in an observer-mode when introduced to a new group in order to be able to observe what kind of personalities are <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/expecting-appreciation-from-others">appreciated</a> and accepted by others so that I am able to take on such a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/personality-activation-quantum-mind-self-awareness">personality</a> in order to be accepted in the group – I stop, I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-breath-the-answer-to-life-part-23">breathe</a> – I realize that this pattern stems from a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-fear-itself-fears-and-phobias">fear</a> of not being accepted/being <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/facing-rejection-life-review">rejected</a> and that within participating as a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-the-personalities-shape-the-physical">personality</a> I am compromising <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-facing-the-question-of-who-i-am-part-36">who I am</a> within the group as I am pretending to be someone I’m not, wherein I’ll later feel trapped in not knowing how to be myself without disappointing everyone else in no longer participating in a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/imagine-my-personality-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-the-imagination-part-30">personality</a> as well as creating <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/guilt-understanding-guilt-atlanteans-part-123">guilt</a> towards the others in the group for having participated within <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-reptilians-interdimensional-technology-of-deception-and-manipulation-part-1-part-158">deception</a> towards them from the very start – and so I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-commitment-relationship-success-support">commit</a> myself to stop the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fearing-your-own-fears-reptilians-part-128">fear</a> of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/rejection-in-love-life-review">rejection</a> and embrace myself within <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-transforming-self-judgement-part-17">self-acceptance</a> within the realization that it doesn’t affect me if another does not accept me and I push myself to participate as myself.<br />
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When and as I see myself <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-evolution-of-separation-part-7">separating</a> myself creating the idea of a ‘group identity’ and ‘group feeling’ to which I assign either a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-problem-with-positivity-reptilians-part-251">positive</a> or <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-it-is-important-to-investigate-the-negative-part-135">negative</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/charge-quantum-systemization-part-24">charge</a> – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/projection-quantum-mind-self-awareness">projecting</a> my own experiences upon ‘the group’ wherein I believe that ‘the group’ is ‘<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/you-make-me-feel-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-20">making me feel</a>’ a certain way or ‘giving me something’, when actually the ‘group’ is a collection of individuals and what each experiences within the group is about self and of self – and so I commit myself to bring back any <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-when-energy-has-more-value-than-life-part-40">energetic</a> experiences that come up in relation to a group back to myself so that I can see how I am creating these experiences and can make the necessary <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-how-and-why-our-lives-aligned-with-the-planets-and-stars-part-42">alignments</a>. <br />
<br />
When and as I see myself <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-fear-of-change">changing</a> myself in order to increase the likelihood of experiencing <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/a-friend-in-mind-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-25">positive feelings</a> within a group – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am participating within the group based on <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-systemization-ugly-effects-of-beautiful-energy-part-22">energy</a>, wherein my starting point for participating in the group is pure <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-interest-in-self-honesty-how-does-that-work-reptilians-support-part-169">self-interest</a> and where, eventually my experience will <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-physical-self-movement-vs-mind-experience-part-26">move</a> to the opposite <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-polarity">polarity</a> of negative <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-difference-between-male-and-female-emotions-life-review">emotions</a> as <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/energy-trumps-physical-reptilians-part-238">energy</a> always moves between the poles – and so I commit myself to stop using groups for self-interested <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/your-reason-for-living-quantum-mind-self-awareness">purposes</a> of making me feel <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-force-of-good-part-1-part-94">good</a> about myself, but align my starting point to be me in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-honesty-within-honesty-how-does-that-work-part-154">self-honesty</a> where I see how I am able to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/instant-connections-journeys-into-the-afterlife-part-52">connect</a> with other beings and develop <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-relationships-as-illusion-of-control-part-24">relationships</a> of mutual support.<br />
<br />
When and as I see myself <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-comparing-images-and-imagination-part-3">comparing</a> a new or current group I am participating in to my experience of previous groups – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am using my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-and-memories-part-1-part-164">memories</a> of participation in previous groups as a reference point for what will happen in the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/in-fear-of-the-future-life-review">future</a>, wherein I believe that what has happened before will happen again and that whatever has not happened before cannot happen – wherein I create the experiences of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/creating-heart-disease-through-fear-life-review">fear</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/wishing-and-hoping-and-dreaming-reptilians-part-257">hope</a> within my participation in the group in reference to my previous experiences, thus not actually being <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/secret-history-of-the-universe-is-life-here-part-7">here</a> and participating directly, but instead I am influenced through these subtle experiences of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-how-hope-creates-hell-part-38">hope</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/journeys-into-the-afterlife-the-being-that-died-as-fear-part-17">fear</a> – and thus, I commit myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-49">let go</a> of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-past-the-present-and-the-future-part-20">the past</a> and realize that I created the past based on <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/money-made-me-who-i-was-life-review">who I was</a> in the past and I create what I experience in the present moment based on who I am in that moment, and so – to align myself within <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mahatma-ghandi-self-honesty">self-honesty</a> to see what is real, what is relevant and walk accordingly.<br />
<br />
When and as I see myself wanting to have a group last forever – I stop, I breathe – I realize that this stems from a pattern of participating in groups from a mind-experience starting point, wherein I would want my positive energetic experiences that I ascribed to the group to last forever and therefore would want the group to last forever - and so I commit myself to align who I am within the group in terms of what is supportive in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anu-on-honesty-vs-self-honesty-part-153">self-honesty</a> and clarify for myself what the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlantis-purpose-and-creation-part-2">purpose</a> is for the group and to what extent the existence of the group is relevant or applicable, so that, if the group becomes irrelevant, I simply let go and move on. Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-53627350207559693712014-08-26T02:05:00.002-07:002014-08-26T02:05:25.376-07:00Day 139: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 3<i><i>This blog-post is a continuation to:</i> </i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.azimg.com/images/home_group.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.azimg.com/images/home_group.png" height="221" width="400" /></a><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-131-who-am-i-in-group.html">Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-132-who-am-i-in-group-clashes-of.html">Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-133-who-am-i-in-group-nothing-left.html">Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-134-who-am-i-in-group-dance-company.html">Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/06/day-135-who-am-i-in-group-dance-company.html">Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/06/day-136-who-am-i-in-group-dancing-with.html">Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/07/day-137-who-am-i-in-group-self.html">Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/08/day-138-who-am-i-in-group-self.html">Day 138: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 2 </a></i><br />
<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for not <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">accepting and allowing</a> myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-49">let go</a> of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-past-the-present-and-the-future-part-20">the past</a> and approaching any new group/moment in a group as a new moment, where I am <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/secret-history-of-the-universe-is-life-here-part-7">here</a>, in the moment, participating in that moment, but instead, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-systemization-substance-filtering-system-part-10">filter</a> my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a>, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-high-expectations-for-my-child-s-future">expectations</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/personalized-global-perceptions-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-32">perceptions</a> of the group/myself in the group through my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-and-memories-part-1-part-164">memories</a> in my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/can-you-ever-trust-your-mind-reptilians-part-127">mind</a> of previous experiences in groups, wherein I in fact sabotage my participation and experience in the group as I then exist in continuous <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/introduction-fears-phobias">fear</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-how-hope-creates-hell-part-38">hope</a> in relation to the group – <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-pain-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-26">fear</a> that the same patterns will play out again and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/wishing-and-hoping-and-dreaming-reptilians-part-257">hope</a> that it might be different this <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-and-money-life-review">time</a>, and so never simply <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> ‘here’, participating directly, but where my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-behavior-alcohol-life-review">behaviors</a>, experiences and participation is influenced by this <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-power-of-fear-part-90">fear</a> and this hope.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have sabotaged my participation in groups in the past through participating from a starting point of mind-experience – wherein I allowed my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-difference-between-male-and-female-emotions-life-review">emotions</a>/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-do-i-keep-feeling-this-way-reptilians-part-188">feelings</a> to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-existential-guidance-part-87">guide</a> me in my participation in the group and use my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sound-emotions-and-the-body-life-review">emotions</a>/feelings as a measuring stick for the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/redefining-value-reptilians-part-267">value</a> a group has to me – and wherein I have <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/living-in-assumptions-life-review">assumed</a> that all <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-establishing-individuality-part-14">individuals</a> participate in groups in the same way and that this is the only way groups exist – based on the extent to which the group is able to provide more feelings than emotional experiences to each individual and if the individuals find that the group is not providing this, the group disintegrates. <br />
<br />
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that ‘groups’ were never the ‘problem’, but that it was my starting point and the starting point of the existence of the group that was not clear – wherein I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/a-chat-with-desire">desired</a>/wanted the group to exist forever, but never clarified with myself and the others in the group what the foundation is of participating in the group, how the group will move forward; where no <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/alice-bailey-agreement-and-relationship">agreement</a> ever existed as to each one’s <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/responsibility-reptilians-part-248">responsibility</a> within being part of the group, so that the group is not an ‘energy outlet’ to recharge our minds with <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-problem-with-positivity-reptilians-part-251">positive</a> experiences – but a group founded in mutual <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29">support</a> – where the principles upon which the group is founded are <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/effective-communication-life-review">communicated</a> and clear for each individual and so that no <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-abdicating-my-voice-abdicating-my-life">abdication</a> of responsibility can take place, where the group is made responsible for something self did or didn’t do.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my own past experience as a reference of ‘what is possible’ and ‘what is not possible’, wherein I believe that if I haven’t experienced something before, then it is impossible for it to exist – where, with groups, because I haven’t experienced a group that didn’t disintegrate after a certain amount of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">time</a>, I believe that it is impossible for groups to last for very long, simply because that has been my experience up until now.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that when things become difficult/challenging within/for a group, that the group will seize to exist, because this has been my experience within previous groups that I ‘cherished’ – where the group of the summer camp <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-couldn-t-i-stop-myself">stopped</a> existing once we all lived in places far away and had to either devise new ways of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/encoding-communication-and-programming-relationships-part-1-quantum-systemization-part-29">communicating</a> or do more effort to bring the group <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/together-we-are-strong-life-review-part-1">together</a>, same with my high school group, and with the dance company, when one of the dancers died and we required to work through our grief.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined groups as something that only lasts so long and, in the bigger <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/giving-life-to-the-pictures-in-my-mind-life-review">pictures</a>, are only fleeting moments of beings walking together for a while, until it becomes too much of an effort for the individuals to keep the group standing.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to clarify with myself whether a group requires to exist forever, wherein I do not clarify for myself the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlantis-purpose-and-creation-part-2">purpose</a> of the group and my participation within it and from there <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">see</a>: when is the existence of the group appropriate/applicable and when does it become irrelevant – but instead look at my positive experiences within the group and wanting those to last forever, and then wanting to force the group to last forever as well so that I can continue <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experiencing</a> these <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/a-friend-in-mind-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-25">positive feelings</a>, rather than <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-systemization-mind-physical-assessment-system-part-11">assessing</a> whether the existence of this group is still relevant and simply <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-physical-self-movement-vs-mind-experience-part-26">moving</a> on if I see it is not.Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-20753971034668499922014-08-14T03:14:00.001-07:002014-08-14T03:14:59.376-07:00Day 138: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.steveandgwensmith.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/people-circle-web.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.steveandgwensmith.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/people-circle-web.gif" height="296" width="320" /></a></div>
<i><span id="goog_1357585851"></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_1357585852"></span>This blog-post is a continuation to:</i><br />
<br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-131-who-am-i-in-group.html">Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-132-who-am-i-in-group-clashes-of.html">Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-133-who-am-i-in-group-nothing-left.html">Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-134-who-am-i-in-group-dance-company.html">Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/06/day-135-who-am-i-in-group-dance-company.html">Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/06/day-136-who-am-i-in-group-dancing-with.html">Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/07/day-137-who-am-i-in-group-self.html">Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1</a></i><br />
<br />
I ended off my last post with the Self-Forgiveness statement:<br />
<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be skeptical of groups in terms of thinking/believing that it is unlikely that it will be fun experiencing myself in a group of so many different individuals when in my experience, each individual brings the potential that I will experience conflict with them – and therefore, any time where I do find myself in a group where there is a relative tolerance towards each other and a general mutual agreement to have fun and a good time together – I elevate it into something magical and miraculous within and as myself – accessing positive feelings of wonder, exhilaration, connectedness, euphoria, excitement, hope and love.”</i><br />
<i></i><br />
So, I'm continuing from there:<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">accepting and allowing</a> myself to approach groups from a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-do-i-keep-feeling-this-way-reptilians-part-188">feeling</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sound-emotions-and-the-body-life-review">emotion</a> perspective – where I either associate a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-it-is-important-to-investigate-the-negative-part-135">negative</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-difference-between-male-and-female-emotions-life-review">emotion</a> to groups or the opposite <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-polarity">polarity</a> of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-problem-with-positivity-reptilians-part-251">positive</a> feelings.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my evaluation of a group based on what kind of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experiences</a> I go through, where if I mostly experience negative emotions while participating within the group, then I will dislike the group and try to remove myself from the group and if I mostly experience <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/a-friend-in-mind-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-25">positive feelings</a> in the group, then I will attempt to hold on to the group.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever approach groups from the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anna-viktor-discovers-the-physical-it-s-so-simple">simple</a> realization that groups consist of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-establishing-individuality-part-14">individuals</a> and so to participate in a group is to participate with other individuals – instead, when in groups, it has always been about me – what can the group do for ME – how does participating in the group <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/you-make-me-feel-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-20"></a><a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-could-you-make-me-feel-this-way-life-review">make ME feel</a> – how does participating in the group make ME look – wherein I have used groups to satisfy experiences and if I found the group was not or no longer <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-give-unconditionally-in-your-relationship-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-25">giving</a> me the experiences I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/a-chat-with-desire">desired</a>, then I would discard the group and so the individuals within it – showing that I never had actually considered any of the individuals within the group but only participating from a starting point of pure <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-interest-in-self-honesty-how-does-that-work-reptilians-support-part-169">self-interest</a>.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an interpretation of the groups I am participating in within my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-when-the-mind-falls-in-the-face-of-reality">mind</a>, where, within my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-who-is-the-mind-part-15">mind</a>, I create a ‘group entity’ to which I associate a positive or negative association – and based on that experience the ‘group feeling’ as <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-little-bit-of-good-frees-me-from-all-the-bad-life-review">good</a> or <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-the-good-when-only-the-bad-prevails">bad</a>.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – in order to experience as many positive feelings as possible – always assimilate myself as much as possible to the others in the group – adjusting how I behave, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-consequences-of-speaking-atlanteans-part-160">speak</a>, dress, what I talk about, what I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/enter-natural-self-expression-reptilians-part-252">express</a> my interests to be, what I express my opinions and likes and dislikes to be – to as much as possible ‘fit in’ with the group – because I have come to believe that the more each one conforms to the norms and standards of others in the group, the stronger the group will be and the more the group can do ‘for me’.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever consider what I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/i-finally-understand">understand</a> under ‘a strong group’ – where I now realize that a ‘strong group’ actually referred to the extent to which individuals within the group assimilate to each other and so <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29">support</a> each other within their <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/personalized-global-perceptions-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-32">perceptions</a>, beliefs, opinions, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-life-and-death-of-an-idea-death-research-part-1">ideas</a>, in order to generate a maximum sum total of positive feelings within each of the individuals.<br />
<br />
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I base my participation within groups on <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-when-energy-has-more-value-than-life-part-40">energetic</a> experiences, then no group can ever last – because <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-human-mind-as-a-computer-reptilians-part-182">mind</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-systemization-ugly-effects-of-beautiful-energy-part-22">energy</a> always <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-physical-self-movement-vs-mind-experience-part-26">moves</a> between the polarities of negative, positive, negative, positive, etc. – and so if positive or negative <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/from-energy-to-sound-atlanteans-support-part-63">energy</a> is the determining factor for my participation or removal from a group – then it is inevitable that I will at some point experience negative <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/energy-energy-energy-life-review">energy</a> – and especially if previously the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/programming-positive-energy-part-1-kryon-my-existential-history"></a><a href="https://eqafe.com/p/positive-energy-vs-self-expression-reptilians-part-253">positive energy</a> had been quite intense – it will be mirrored by an equally intense negative experience – and so it is pointless to try to ‘hold on’ to a group for the positive feelings I experience within it, because it will not last.<br />
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I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that no matter what kind of ‘connection’ I felt I had with people – on summer camps, or in the dance company or in the high school – it was always based within interpretation and experience where I would elevate the lack of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-nature-of-anxiety-atlanteans-support">anxiety</a> or uncomfortableness to something ‘more than’ and create the idea and belief that this group was special for me to be able to experience these ‘amazing things’ with these other beings – when actually – I never had a real <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-success-support-connection-personality">connection</a> with any of the beings in any substantial way – I didn’t <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-be-still-and-know-i-am-god-part-22">know</a> who they were, what their <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-experiencing-life-vs-living-life-part-52">lives</a> were like or what they experienced.<br />
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I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that whenever I would experience something apparently ‘amazing’ – I would project this experience and attribute it to the group – never actually <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">looking</a> at what the experience was – whether it was simply a point of silence or comfortability or how exactly a positive feeling was triggered within me in for instance feeling <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/expecting-appreciation-from-others">appreciated</a> or validated or accepted – where, of course – everything that I experienced, I experienced within myself and so could have a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mahatma-ghandi-self-honesty">self-honest</a> look at the nature of the experience and how/why I was <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experiencing</a> myself in this way – but instead chucking up my experience to the other beings and the group – and so creating a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-of-co-dependency">dependency</a> with the other beings the group in a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-how-hope-creates-hell-part-38">hope</a> of experiencing these points again – where within walking in groups, I would in fact continuously <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-evolution-of-separation-part-7">separate</a> me from myself and always miss: me.Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-19630041192856963312014-07-30T11:12:00.001-07:002014-07-30T11:24:43.695-07:00Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjodArikUV91A8s8qxTOC_4GdaG2E9_VMRss4SYHEvcUOPNpNY1ANLJqIFue4lLO3Ei9CyH2DvdHBYWFLj5BrUsC-rIjbubPs8_EbQaKMfa-5fitj4Sa7duP4wbImF_U2sZ2qhsrcbstgxV/s1600/Eser+Afacan-ImpressioniArtistiche-33.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjodArikUV91A8s8qxTOC_4GdaG2E9_VMRss4SYHEvcUOPNpNY1ANLJqIFue4lLO3Ei9CyH2DvdHBYWFLj5BrUsC-rIjbubPs8_EbQaKMfa-5fitj4Sa7duP4wbImF_U2sZ2qhsrcbstgxV/s1600/Eser+Afacan-ImpressioniArtistiche-33.jpg" height="280" width="320" /></a><i>This blog-post is a continuation to:</i><br />
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<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-131-who-am-i-in-group.html">Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-132-who-am-i-in-group-clashes-of.html">Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-133-who-am-i-in-group-nothing-left.html">Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-134-who-am-i-in-group-dance-company.html">Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/06/day-135-who-am-i-in-group-dance-company.html">Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2</a></i><br />
<i><a href="http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2014/06/day-136-who-am-i-in-group-dancing-with.html">Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost</a></i><br />
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Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1</div>
I forgive myself for <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">accepting and allowing</a> myself to as soon as I am beginning to be introduced to a new group – immediately try to define ‘my place’ in the group and my role/position/status in the group based on others’ <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-behavior-alcohol-life-review">behaviors</a>, responses, looks, etc. – instead of realizing that – what they are <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experiencing</a> is about them, not about me – this group is a group of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-establishing-individuality-part-14">individuals</a> that has been created for some <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlantis-purpose-and-creation-part-2">purpose</a> or <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/your-reason-for-living-quantum-mind-self-awareness">reason</a> to do something <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/together-we-are-strong-life-review-part-1">together</a>, but within that, each individual is equal to each other individual and there is no need to try to establish a social pecking order or try to find/define my position/role/status within the group.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/from-shyness-to-self-confidence-life-review">shy</a> around strangers and to believe in those moments that ‘<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-facing-the-question-of-who-i-am-part-36"></a><a href="https://eqafe.com/p/money-made-me-who-i-was-life-review">who I am</a> is shy’ – and that I cannot be anything but shy in such a moment of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> faced with strangers.<br />
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I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the primary reason for why I experienced <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/using-shyness-to-exploit-other-s-weaknesses-life-review">shyness</a> around strangers, was the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-thought-and-thinking-a-deliberate-creation-of-control-part-105">thought</a> and the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-we-create-fear-instead-of-solutions-life-review">fear</a> ‘<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-what-if">what if</a> they don’t like me?’.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, whenever I am faced with strangers, ask myself <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-question-part-7">the question</a> ‘what if they don’t like me?’ and within asking myself this question, access <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anxiety-support-by-the-atlanteans-part-1-part-83">anxiety</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-killed-by-my-own-fear">fear</a> of not being accepted within myself - as well as <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/introduction-fears-phobias">fear</a> of being ridiculed and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/facing-rejection-life-review">rejected</a> – where, within such a moment, within running through such a ‘what if’ scenario very fast within my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-when-the-mind-falls-in-the-face-of-reality">mind</a> – I experience within myself in that moment the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/embarrassment-embarrassment-and-personalities-atlanteans-part-106">embarrassment</a> of being ridiculed/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/rejection-in-love-life-review">rejected</a> by these strangers – which then manifests as <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/when-shyness-meet-confidence-life-review">shyness</a> in that moment – because I feel I have things to be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/embarrassment-sounding-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-108">embarrassed</a> about and hence I should apparently be ‘on guard’ and not feel comfortable, but rather hide myself in the shadows as much as possible.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when being introduced to a new group, first always keep my distance in terms of keeping to myself and not only interacting with one person at a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">time</a>, but never really participating in the group as a member of the group – because I first want to be able to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">see</a> what kind of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-behavior-alcohol-death-research-part-1">behavior</a> is <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/expecting-appreciation-from-others">appreciated</a> in the group and which is not – so that, as I start to see what kind of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/words-and-behavior-seeds-life-review">behavior</a> is appreciated, develop a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/imagine-my-personality-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-the-imagination-part-30">personality</a> that fits in with the standards I see in terms of what people seem to like and not like.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to get to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-be-still-and-know-i-am-god-part-22">know</a> people is to make sure that they like me beforehand – therefore creating and molding myself according to the particular type of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/personality-activation-quantum-mind-self-awareness">personality</a> that will be ‘most successful’ in terms of being accepted by the other members in the group – and to believe that only once I am accepted/liked, I can start <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sharing-and-reactions-the-soul-of-money">sharing</a> myself bit by bit so that others can get to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-believing-if-i-know-my-past-i-ll-know-me">know me</a> and I can get to know others – instead of realizing that I don’t require to be ‘pre-approved’ by anything or anyone in order to be able to make a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/love-connection-paranoia-life-review">connection</a> with others and, in fact, that I am creating within others <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-high-expectations-for-my-child-s-future">expectations</a> about ‘who I am’ based on the particular <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/personality-projection-life-review">personality</a> I am <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/you-never-actually-lived-life-review">living</a> out – which later will only be invalidated as I start to slowly open up and participated in sharing myself – and so at the very onset create the conditions for disappointment within my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/alice-bailey-agreement-and-relationship">relationship</a> and so compromise of the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-relationships-as-illusion-of-control-part-24">relationship</a> with others as I walk into a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-creating-relationships-part-15">relationship</a> and group under false pretenses – where I would later feel that I in part have to keep ‘keep playing the personality’ and so limit myself in terms of how I express myself and what I share of myself so that I am not found out to be a fraud and rejected.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ever really was ‘myself’ in a group – when actually, I would always very carefully continue to monitor people’s responses and feedback to me to see if I am deviating too much from the expectations they have of who I am in terms of the personality I introduced myself as initially, that was ‘accepted’ by them.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/why-do-i-keep-feeling-this-way-reptilians-part-188">feeling</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/guilt-resisting-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-125">guilty</a> when participating in a group, especially if I would start <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/looking-for-joy-life-review">enjoying</a> myself and the other beings – because I knew in part I was participating in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-reptilians-interdimensional-technology-of-deception-and-manipulation-part-1-part-158">deception</a> towards them and continued to do so because I felt it was now ‘<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/it-s-too-late-for-you-life-review">too late</a> to go back’ and didn’t want to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-give-unconditionally-in-your-relationship-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-25">give</a> up my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-problem-with-positivity-reptilians-part-251">positive</a> experiences within the group.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be skeptical of groups in terms of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-thoughts-bombard-the-physical-and-destroy-self">thinking</a>/believing that it is unlikely that it will be fun experiencing myself in a group of so many different individuals when in my experience, each individual brings the potential that I will experience <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/conflict-in-relationships-as-energy-generators-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-26">conflict</a> with them – and therefore, any <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-is-consequence-part-32">time</a> where I do <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/filing-our-mind-finding-ourselves-reptilians-part-220">find myself</a> in a group where there is a relative tolerance towards each other and a general mutual agreement to have fun and a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-force-of-good-part-1-part-94">good</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-consciousness-s-worst-enemy-part-67">time</a> together – I elevate it into something magical and miraculous within and as myself – accessing <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/a-friend-in-mind-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-25">positive feelings</a> of wonder, exhilaration, connectedness, euphoria, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/excitement-introduction-atlanteans-part-117">excitement</a>, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/wishing-and-hoping-and-dreaming-reptilians-part-257">hope</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-why-love-is-so-addictive-part-47">love</a>.Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-4519531702019204902014-06-18T13:26:00.001-07:002014-06-18T13:26:35.921-07:00Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://media.digitalcameraworld.com/files/2012/03/Johnathan-Clover-Time-to-Dance.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media.digitalcameraworld.com/files/2012/03/Johnathan-Clover-Time-to-Dance.png" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
In my previous blog I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sharing-and-reactions-the-soul-of-money">shared</a> my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/experience-dimension-relationship-success-support">experience</a> in joining a dance company and specifically my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/an-ordinary-woman-part-1-life-review">experience</a> of myself within the group that I really <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/looking-for-joy-life-review">enjoyed</a>. Nothing would seem to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-fear-of-change">change</a> that, until a week before the premier of our new production. It was a Saturday morning. One of the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-a-girl-wants-life-review">girls</a> said she wouldn't be able to come because she had planned a weekend to the beach with her boyfriend, they had left straight after rehearsal the night before, all <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/excitement-conclusion-practical-application-atlanteans-part-119">excited</a>. So there we were in the studio and our choreographer told us she had <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/give-and-receive-the-soul-of-money">received</a> a phone call from the girl's <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/stuck-in-a-pattern-with-parents-life-review">parents</a>. On the way to the beach, the girl and her boyfriend had gotten in a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-fears-phobias">car crash</a>. The boyfriend was okay, but the girl had been <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-asleep-mind-awake-kryon-my-existential-history">sleeping</a> on the backseats without her sea tbelt and was flung through the windscreen. She didn't survive the crash. No need to say we were soon all in tears after <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/touch-taste-smell-hearing-in-the-mind-reptilians-part-213">hearing</a> the news - more so because she was only 17, the second youngest dancer in the group.<br />
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From being a happy worriless bunch, we started trying to keep it <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/together-we-are-strong-life-review-part-1">together</a> and pull each other up. We revised the production in a week's <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-consciousness-s-worst-enemy-part-67">time</a> so it could be performed with one less dancer, as well as adding in a whole section in tribute of her. There was one particular moment in the performance where she would normally be standing <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/right-and-wrong-relationship-success-support">right</a> behind me - the lyrics going 'Will you dance with me?'. Although I wouldn't be able to see her - I would always feel her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/from-mind-presence-to-living-expression-reptilians-part-148">presence</a>. And after she died, whenever we got to this particular section, I would feel her absence. Somehow we managed to pull off the premier without problems - until the moment of bowing and everyone applauding - we all burst into tears on stage. <br />
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We danced at her funeral at the request of her parents - that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-and-money-life-review">time</a> we were already in tears before we started.<br />
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Although we all tried to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29">support</a> each other the best we knew how and everyone tried to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-relationship-with-mourning">mourn</a> her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-fear-of-loss">loss</a> in their own way, trying to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-physical-self-movement-vs-mind-experience-part-26">move</a> forward as a group and somehow managing to - her <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-either-life-or-death-part-27">death</a> to me was like a 'stain' on what we had as a group - and without consciously intending to, I became more reserved. I also didn't like how the girl was glorified after she died - there had been some tensions between her and the choreographer as the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/your-reason-for-living-quantum-mind-self-awareness">reason</a> she had joined the company was in relation to a school project where she would merge hip hop with contemporary dance and perform it with the company as her 'final work' for school. She would be choreographing it together with our choreographer and in that process they didn't always see eye to eye - but that was not discussed. She was an <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/journeys-into-the-afterlife-preparing-speeches-for-angels-and-archangels-part-27">angel</a> now.<br />
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To be continued.Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3825254772013424314.post-50878975064111192292014-06-15T23:45:00.000-07:002014-06-15T23:45:28.238-07:00Day 135: Who am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In a previous post I shared how I danced an amateur dance company after quitting my professional dance training and where - we first got to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-be-still-and-know-i-am-god-part-22">know</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-trust-life-review">trust</a> each other physically.<br />
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So - it is an interesting way of getting to know people - you kind of skip the small-talk and start with physical comfortability. Looking back, there's many I still didn't know much about - in terms of their <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-past-the-present-and-the-future-part-20">past</a>, their <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-experiencing-life-vs-living-life-part-52">lives</a>. We would just share moments with each other - the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-consciousness-s-worst-enemy-part-67">time</a> we spent <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/together-we-are-strong-life-review-part-1">together</a> rehearsing and performing. But even if we didn't necesarily know much about each other's lives, we would know each other's bodies, from the perspective of what they physically feel like, how they move, where their physical weaknesses and strenghts <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/when-your-words-lie-reptilians-part-217">lie</a> and we would know each other in how we interacted in a moment, sometimes <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sharing-and-reactions-the-soul-of-money">sharing</a> some points that were gonig on in our lives, but there generally wasn't much 'time' to really go into that. <br />
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What was also distinct about getting to know people as I did when joining the dance company, is that it wasn't not based upon clothing style for instance. We would only <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-mind">see</a> each other in our 'proper <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-do-your-clothes-tell-you-about-yourself-life-review">clothes</a>' for a few seconds as we came in to the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/change-as-a-process-reptilians-part-210">changing</a> room, but then <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/but-why-i-am-not-changing-reptilians-part-147">changed</a> into our dancing clothes - which were just loose pants and comfortable shirts. So - everyone basically looked the same or similar. Another distinction was that in my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/quantum-systemization-what-is-life-part-18">life</a>, when <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/mind-being-body-kryon">being</a> in a group, it had mostly been age-dependent - in schools, on camps, music classes, dance classes - you were <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-split-between-two-worlds-part-45">divided</a> into groups of people of your own age. But in this dance company - our ages ranged from the youngest being about 15 and the oldest in their 30s. <br />
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To keep it short - we were tight, lol. No one had issues with anyone - some were closer or 'hit it off better' with certain people than with others. Herein it was fascinating that, initially, I got to know those people with whom I was most in sync while dancing, the youngest guy in the company and a young lady. In the first piece that I was a part of in the company, I by chance also had to work closely with the two of them - the comfortability in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-physical-self-movement-vs-mind-experience-part-26">movement</a> seemed to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-acceptance-and-allowance-vs-the-decision">allow</a> us to be comfortable in general interaction - even though - if I had met them on the street, I might no thave <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-give-unconditionally-in-your-relationship-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-25">given</a> them a second glance. Those whose dancing style was different to mine - in terms of timing or intensity or speed, or whatever - took me longer to have <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sharing-ourselves-in-conversations-life-review">conversations</a> with. The choreographer, thankfully, meant to give us the best opportunities to expand, so she would for instance place me in a duet with a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-a-girl-wants-life-review">girl</a> whose natural dancing style was opposite to mine - it took me longer to become comfortable with her - but as we practiced our duet and each started learning from each other, together creating something new - the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-real-communication">communication</a> and interaction also started flowing more.<br />
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So - this is the process that I walked with each of the dancers - where eventually, I was comfortable with each one - our interaction was easy, flowing. Everyone came to dance in terms of what they <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/looking-for-joy-life-review">enjoy</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/you-do-it-to-yourself-life-review">doing</a> - so we didn't bring our personal worries or <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sunette-spies-absorbing-my-troubles-doubles-my-struggles">troubles</a> into the group - we were there to have a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-little-bit-of-good-frees-me-from-all-the-bad-life-review">good</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-dimensions-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-17">time</a>. Many nights, I would dread getting out of the couch and out to the train station to a rehearsal, for some <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/your-reason-for-living-quantum-mind-self-awareness">reason</a> <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-thinking-as-mind-vs-direct-seeing-with-the-physical-part-106">thinking</a> it might not be fun that night - but every <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/time-and-money-life-review">time</a> I did go - and every <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-is-consequence-part-32">time</a> I was so glad that I did, because it was just so AWESOME, lol - where I couldn't remember why I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-doubt-and-change-part-1-reptilians-part-211">doubted</a> that it would be anything different. I suppose I had gotten used to the fun being drained out of things after a while - and that was something that didn't happen in the dance company - at least not until something drastic happened.<br />
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To be continued... Maitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126136722440365082noreply@blogger.com0